Promoting Wellness and Resiliency for Helpers

End it Already - by Becky Blanton

2012-02-08T12:47:00.000-05:00

Reposted from Social Work PRN's Blog (follow link above):

I had a good friend and co-worker years and years go who I admired for one thing — his ability to end something quickly. Rodger was 20 years older than me and he had a knack for knowing when something or someone was just going to waste his time, resources or energy, or if they were worth hanging in there with because ultimately they’d come through. To my knowledge, he was never wrong.

Rodger never fretted, worried, weighed pros and cons or tried to rescue anything or anyone. Once he uttered the words “End it already,” we knew he was done with whatever it was he was working with. It didn’t mean the person; place or thing couldn’t be salvaged, only that he had decided it wasn’t worth investing his time, energy or resources on it or them anymore. Rodger did not pursue lost causes, or high demands on his time and energy. He knew what he was willing to invest and what he wasn’t and he wasn’t afraid to say “No.” He knew what he was worth, what his time was worth, and what kind of investment he needed to get on any work he did. He had, as they say, excellent boundaries.

Last week I put in a bid on a job with a new client. He read my proposal, checked my 30 plus testimonials from clients and sent me an email. All my former clients, except one, had rated me a perfect 5.0 score on 25 points of service. The one client in question had given me 24 out of 25 for a 4.9 score on time. I had delivered the job two days early, so it was an error they made when registering the score, but the job service won’t allow you make changes, so it stuck. It was the one imperfection, although not a true imperfection on my perfect record. He said, “Boy, that must have cranked you off.”

In my head I could hear Rodger saying, “End it already,” and telling me to walk away. But I didn’t. For the next 3 hours we exchanged 2-3 emails an hour while I answered questions, offered advice, tried to reassure and help him find solutions while I encouraged him to make a decision on his project. “We’re 90% sure it’s going to be you,” he said. “But we’re still looking at other proposals.” Eventually I looked at the clock and at the dozens of non-committal emails and the man’s demands and complaining and I ended it. It was decent money, but I was over it already. I kicked myself for not stopping sooner.

Looking back, I recognized a lot of signs, things Rodger would have noticed immediately — things that he would have said, “End it already” to. If you tend to be someone who has trouble “falling in holes,” (http://www.inspirationline.com/rss/10OCT2005.htm ) here’s a checklist for spotting trouble before it gets its hooks in you:

Pay attention to the first remarks, the first conversation and first impressions. If you’re in a job interview, at a party, on a first date, meeting a client for the first time how you’re treated is as good as it gets. My first clue was this client’s first, and unusual comment about how something very tiny “must have cranked me off.” He focused immediately on what he saw as a fault. Considering that dozens of other people had given me perfect scores and everyone had high praise, he came across as supercritical and focused on the negative. He said nothing about the positive remarks and rave reviews. Clue one.

Notice if your boundaries and value are respected. I established a time frame and said, “If you can make a decision on this and hire me by this time, I can do this job by your deadline.” The client blew off my concerns with time, but kept insisting on quality on a rush job, while expecting a lower price. Clue two.

Listen carefully and trust your gut. Does the other person hear your questions and concerns, or are they focused only on their needs? Does it FEEL good to you when you think of proceeding, or do you feel a bigger rush if you imagine yourself saying “No.”? I definitely felt relief when I imagined withdrawing my bid and I was right. I felt immediate peace the instant I hit “Send” on the withdraw button. Clue three.

Notice if the price changes. This doesn’t mean the financial price — but the time, energy and resource price. Is the person changing the rules and terms of the agreement without checking with you first? When the client doubled the scope of the project without asking if that was doable first. He was focused only on getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. Once he extended the scope to something beyond what I was willing to commit to, I withdrew. Clue four.

Cut your losses. Studies show that the more we invest in a project or person, the more likely we are to keep investing in them rather than cut our losses and run. Determine ahead of time when you will pull the plug and “end it already.” For me it was a set amount of emails and time invested without a firm commitment. I am willing to be helpful, but beyond a certain point my help becomes billable. Without a commitment to a contract I cut my losses. Clue five

Define your deal breaker. Deal breakers are the things we’re not willing to compromise on when we buy something, agree to something or get involved in something. A deal breaker for many of us is abuse of any kind. Others will tolerate occasional verbal abuse, but not physical abuse. Any abuse is a deal breaker for me. That includes over the top comments, sneers and responses to a civil email. Clue six.

More than the peace of withdrawing a bid (the first time I’ve ever done that ever) was the relief I felt at realizing that I could end it already, and will do so again should the need arise. You don’t have to please everyone and just because you start down a dead-end road doesn’t mean you have to hit the cul-de-sac before you turn around. Learn to “end it already.” There’s a difference between changing your mind and giving up. You don’t win gold stars for finishing if all you succeed in doing is beating yourself up, violating your boundaries and feeling bad about finishing when you wanted to walk away. To every thing is a season, and when it’s time to end it, it’s time to end it. Walk away. There are some things that can’t be salvaged and some things that shouldn’t be salvaged. Either way, the solution is the same. Cut your losses and leave.

Spinning Plates

2011-12-10T15:15:00.001-05:00

Often when people speak about the many competing demands on their time, they use the metaphor of juggling. For me, I prefer the image of the Chinese acrobat troupe spinning plates atop long poles. It always seems amazing that they are able to get one plate or bowl spinning, let alone seven or twelve. Watching these performers as they add more and more plates, I laugh to myself and reflect on my life. I love the challenge of adding a new plate while keeping the already spinning plates spinning. This usually remains possible. And when it isn’t possible, I have learned (and continue to learn) that it is okay to put down one plate before getting another one going. And sometimes it is even okay to put them all down for a while, walk off stage, and leave the theatre altogether for a while. There are other acrobats in the troupe, others who will keep the audience entertained while I do what I need to do to take care of myself. During these past few months, this blog was a plate I decided to stop spinning while my gaze turned elsewhere. Today, I am happy to pick it up again and rejoin you in this dialogue. How DO we care well for ourselves while focusing our efforts on taking good care of others?

I am someone who keeps myself pretty busy. Professionally, I like to do a lot of different things and therefore am usually involved in several different work projects simultaneously. I lead a supervision group for those seeking LPC Licensure. I facilitate a women’s personal growth group. Working with couples, I help them learn communication and conflict resolution skills, change non-productive ways of relating, and help them develop greater intimacy and compassion for one another. As an individual therapist, I help people heal unresolved traumas so that they can experience greater joy in their lives. I provide consultation to other therapists seeking certification in EMDR (a comprehensive, trauma-informed therapy model). I teach workshops on practice-building to other practitioners in healthcare and healing arts. I have my hands in many different activities simultaneously, and I love it.

Socially, I enjoy staying in touch and sharing time with many colleagues, friends, and family members. I have remained connected to friends since high school, college, and graduate school. I have friends who are artists and writers, friends who are in the helping professions like me, friends in corporate jobs, friends who are entrepreneurs, close girlfriends, couples friends with whom my husband and I enjoy socializing, and fellow travelers on a spiritual path.

In addition to time in connection with others, I also love seeing live music, attending interesting cultural events, reading, and pursuing a range of hobbies from painting to hiking to photography and whatever else strikes my fancy in the moment.

I cherish and celebrate the diversity in my life. It is difficult for me to imagine “streamlining” my life, or simplifying it, such that I would focus only on one aspect of my work or one type of leisure activity at a time. The way I live my life brings me tremendous reward and joy and really fuels my curiosity and thirst for variety. However, for people who are enthusiastic about life in the ways that I am (if you know the Enneagram, my “type” is “The Enthusiast”), we run the risk of burning the candle at both ends and, ultimately, burning ourselves out if we don’t learn to say “no” to some things, set limits, and prioritize balance and health.

This is an ever-present challenge for me. There is always something new and shiny on the horizon pulling me towards it, enticing me with promises of how fascinating or fun it will be.

I have learned, over time, that the two most important practices that support mindful discernment and balance in my life are sleep and meditation. When I get at least seven and a half hours of sleep, I think more clearly. My choices are more likely to be in harmony with my long-term goals and my current-day well-being. Meditation – and mindfulness practices in general – help me to slow down, and slowing down is absolutely essential for someone like me. When I slow down, I remember what is most important. I am able to filter through all the many choices that appeal to me in a given moment and see the big picture of my life. I am able to pause before saying “yes” to the new gleaming possibility on the horizon and consider how saying “yes” would really impact my life in the short term and the long term.

Even with these practices in place, sometimes my life begins to feel like a locomotive going one hundred and twenty down the tracks with no station in sight. I have committed to too many things at once, and it requires more than sleep and daily quiet reflection to get myself back in balance. I begin to feel depleted only half way through my day, and I lose the spark, the joy, for my work, my play, and my relationships. At these times, a walk in nature provides the solace and connection I seek. Remembering the metaphor of the plate-spinning acrobat, I make a choice to walk off stage and devote an hour, a day, a weekend, or even longer to time with myself doing whatever most feeds me in the moment. This time in retreat offers the rest and replenishment I need to re-enter my life feeling replenished, curious, and juicy once again.

If you are a plate-spinning caregiver like me, what do you do that most sustains and nourishes you? How do you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground as you spin plates in your own life?

Gratitude for every little thing

2011-11-24T02:13:00.000-05:00

I have been on quite a journey in these past several months, and I imagine you have been too. Life IS such a journey, such an adventure. While there have been many things that have struck me as fascinating, several moments of exquisite joy, and profound experiences of quiet reflection since I wrote last, I haven’t yet found a way to capture this leg of my journey in written words. I’ve jotted down a dozen different ideas for blog topics from the experiences of these past several months, and my hope is to begin writing them down, one by one, over the next few weeks. I look forward to sharing them with you.

Today, I was moved to write by my appreciation for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I love that we set aside an entire day to express gratitude. Gratitude has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now, as I made a decision in mid-August to begin posting a (nearly) daily expression of gratitude on my Facebook wall. A friend of mine had been doing this, and I just loved reading what she wrote. I decided to challenge myself to do the same, and I have really enjoyed it. Some days, I find that my gratitude is more related to work, and sometimes it is more personal. There are times that I have witnessed beautiful, awe-inspiring events, and there are challenging moments that help me appreciate better all the other moments I experience of genuine ease. Today, I was stuck behind a driver whose slow, traffic-light-stopping behavior created an initial reaction of judgment and annoyance. Stopped at the yellow light behind this person, I reflected back on all the times I made the light easily and all the commutes when I drove effortlessly to work and home again. By the time the light turned green, my energy had already completely changed for the positive, and I found myself smiling. From the simple practice of intentionally keeping my eyes open to all there is to appreciate, I have been experiencing a profound shift and lightening in my perspective.

I believe that every moment has the potential to engender gratitude. Regardless of whether I may wish to judge a single moment as “good” or “bad,” the accumulation of these single moments comprises the fabric of my life. So, what kind of tapestry am I weaving? I have the freedom to appreciate each moment. Or the freedom to lament about what that moment could have been but was not. For me, I choose to cultivate a spirit of gratitude – to celebrate the wonderful moments and to honor the gifts of those difficult times too. I am grateful for my ability to make this choice and for the support I’ve received along the way that empowers me to do so.

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I express heartfelt love for the healers and teachers who have deeply enriched my life, whose nourishing spirits have empowered me to reach further and believe more, and whose compassion has sustained me in the darkest hours. I am also grateful for all the unintentional teachers I have known, those people and experiences who taught me lessons I had no desire to learn but that helped me grow in ways I couldn’t even imagine possible.

Finally, I wish to thank all of you who are following this blog. I appreciate your support along this journey and your encouragement to keep writing. If you feel inspired to share your experiences, I’d love to hear about the role of gratitude in your own life.

Wishing you peace, joy, inspiration, and resiliency on Thanksgiving!

Elizabeth

Laughter Yoga

2011-09-01T14:55:00.003-04:00

Laughter Yoga is an exercise and wellness routine that combines fun laughter activities with deep yoga breathing. It was developed in 1995 by Dr. Madan Kataria. A physician fascinated by medical research demonstrating the positive health benefits of laughter, he decided to start the very first laughter club through an informal “experiment” in which he brought together a group of just five people at a local park in Mumbai, India with just one task: To laugh. They told jokes and funny stories and invited others in the park to join them. Their small group quickly grew to over fifty people! However, Dr. Kataria soon realized being funny was not the best pathway to laughter, as sense of humor is very personal, and offense is as likely to emerge as laughter when jokes are involved. In his effort to address this challenge, he reviewed laughter research and discovered that the body cannot differentiate between fake and real laughter. We get the same profound health benefits whether we are simulating laughter or engaging in the real deal!

Laughter yoga is based on the principle that anyone can laugh at any time for no reason whatsoever, without relying on humor, jokes, or comedy. Since that first gathering in the park only 16 years ago, laughter yoga has now expanded to over 6000 laughter clubs worldwide.

In laughter yoga, we encourage laughter through simulated body exercises and interactive activities in a group. Using eye contact and childlike playfulness, this “pretend” laughter soon turns into real and contagious laughter. The health benefits from laughter include improved mood, strengthened immune system functioning, decreased stress, lowered blood pressure, and experiences of pain relief. To top it off, laughing is FUN!

For more information on laughter yoga, check out the links below, and enjoy the video of the baby laughing. This baby was born knowing how to laugh. Research has shown that, on average, children laugh approximately 200 times per day, whereas adults laugh only seven times. Laughter yoga helps us reclaim our natural tendency to laugh and helps us learn to take ourselves less seriously. Join Elizabeth Venart on Mondays at 9:30 a.m. at The Resiliency Center for a weekly laughter yoga club. Learn more and RSVP through our Meetup group.

Laughter yoga can be practiced in groups, done alone, or learned and deepened by working individually with a Laughter Yoga Instructor. Elizabeth Venart, a Licensed Professional Counselor, and the Founder of The Resiliency Center, gained certification as a Laughter Yoga Instructor in June. Since that time, she has been offering the laughter club and also infusing laughter yoga into her work with individuals and groups. To learn more about Elizabeth Venart, visit her website or give her a call at 215-542-5004.

Baby Laughing

Introduction to the Steps of Laughter Yoga

Dr. Kataria’s Laughter Yoga Website

Laughter Yoga Program on Discovery Channel

Dr. Kataria, Founder of Laughter Yoga, Laughing Silently at 5:00 am

Yang-Sheng Mind-Body Research Update article

Reap What You Sow and How You Sow - Republished from Social Work PRN

2011-08-18T19:11:00.000-04:00

Reap What You Sow and How You Sow

by BECKY BLANTON on AUGUST 11, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

Soil, it appears, is no respecter of seeds. Good soil will grow whatever is planted in it – be it weeds, tomatoes or grass. It’s not really particular about how the seed gets there either. It can blow in, be dropped on the surface, planted, and transplanted or root from a vine that creeps down from a planter. Soil has one job – to provide nutrients to what is sown.

It’s a lot like the human brain that way. Whatever thoughts, bias, beliefs, words or concepts are blown or sown into our awareness, through books, movies, video games, conversations or friends – the brain will nurture those things, grow them and make sure we reap what we have sown – for good or bad.

By consistently weeding my garden this summer I’ve kept the plants I didn’t want – the crabgrass, clover and whatever – out, and allowed the plants I did want, tomatoes, squash, peppers and herbs, to flourish – at least until the squash bugs invaded.

Sowing and reaping has become a metaphor for me in other ways. I’ve watched my fears; my doubts, my confidence and my habits grow just as easily as my garden has. What I’ve learned of course is that the old clichés are true – what you water grows, pluck out the bad or undesirable thoughts before they have a chance to grow and so on. But I learned something else I did not know:

What vegetables you plant next to each other impacts how each plant grows. By planting basil next to my tomatoes for instance, I inadvertently helped both plants grow bigger and stronger and increase the flavor of both plants!

The pungent odor of marigolds keeps certain diseases and bugs off of tomato plants.

I learned that I shouldn’t plant fennel next to tomatoes because it inhibits their growth – which is true in the corner where I planted one tomato plant next to fennel. It is the smallest plant in the garden.

There are dozens of combinations of plants you should or should not plant next to each other. Some combinations include providing shade for a plant at a critical growth stage; others involve plants that compete for the same nutrients versus plants that give back beneficial nutrients.

It’s all very fascinating and complex to me, a new gardener. But it occurred to me that by combining certain habits and thoughts in my life I can also inhibit or support the thoughts and habits I’m planting. By combining exercise and breakfast, working out early instead of waiting until my sleepy afternoon energy lull, my exercising has gone so much better because it’s actually easier to go in the morning and nap later rather than sleep in.

By making the phone calls and doing the things I don’t enjoy doing after I eat lunch instead of on an empty stomach, I’m less likely to be grouchy and impatient and more likely to be calm and relaxed. Those are the obvious things. But when I made the connection around environment, energy, mood, habits and other things I realized that by grouping certain things with other things (no matter how bizarre it may seem to other people) I can get more done with less effort.

If you’ve been in the profession any amount of time you know that who you schedule as your first or last appointment can set the tone for your day, or for your evening. Not many LCSW want to come back from lunch to their most non-stimulating client of the day if they tend to be sleepy after lunch.

If client placement in your day is so important to conserving energy and attention, what about the rest of your life? Do you really think about how you group things like dinner? Paperwork? Meetings? Exercise? Self-care? Vacations? Dating or time with your spouse?

Married friends of mine have a regular “date night” once a week so they can get away from the kids for a few hours. The dates had been mostly stressful and filled with talk of the kids and non-romantic things and not going very well. They even talked of stopping the practice. Then their work schedules one month forced them to change date night to a Wednesday night instead of the usual Friday night. What they found was they were less stressed in the middle of the week and had more energy. Date night became fun!

They realized that by going out on a Wednesday instead of a Friday they weren’t thinking of the next day and all the soccer games, kid’s sleepovers, laundry, cleaning and chores they had to do over the weekend. They could relax and enjoy each other’s company, knowing all they had the next day was work. The restaurants they liked were less crowded, almost empty, as were the theatres and other places they typically visited on a Friday night. The trade-off was they were up later on a work night, but realized they slept better with a mid-week break so the change worked.

The added bonus was that instead of date night with each other, Friday nights became date night with the kids, enabling them to spend time with their children watching DVDs, eating pizza, playing games and just hanging out before they all went in six different directions the next day – a Saturday.

You’re going to reap what you sow, so why not plant your life in a way that what you reap is the best it can be?

Enjoying life’s unexpected gifts and simple pleasures

2011-08-06T16:36:00.001-04:00

This morning I was blessed to experience – and notice I was experiencing – a series of pleasantly surprising and truly enjoyable moments. It began on a visit to my chiropractor’s office. Donna Funk is a network chiropractor and works simultaneously on several different people (allowing your body to rest between adjustments). Between Donna’s skill, the comfortable tables, and the peaceful music, the experience of having Donna work on you is relaxing and transformative. There were five of us on tables during my visit this morning, and, as sometimes happens, we somehow ended up engaging in a very funny conversation. Today’s topic was “Chocovine.” Chocovine is a chocolate-infused dessert wine from Holland. We were all giggling at the thought of drinking chocovine through straws as we lay face down on the tables getting adjusted. We broke into laughter at the idea that we could create a wildly funny commercial endorsing Chocovine and our chiropractor, beaming in unison about how “divine” our experience had been. Getting adjusted, laughing, enjoying community – What a fabulous way to start the day!

From my chiropractor’s office, I headed out on some errands. I marveled and rejoiced when the first spot in the parking lot was available for me at, not one, but all three of the stores where I went. Amazing! Then, at the bank, they were able to resolve a previously complicated issue with ease and humor, and I really enjoyed talking with the bank employee who helped me. After this, I went on my Blackberry and scrolled through Facebook posts, only to learn from my friend Edie Weinstein that today is “Wiggle your toes day.” This piece of information not only caused me to wiggle with glee but to giggle enthusiastically. What fun! Since being trained in laughter yoga in June - and engaging in a regular laughter yoga practice since then - I have been able to laugh more and more easily. I love laughing, and I love sharing laughter yoga with others. I find myself opening to deeper experiences of joy and love.

When I settled down on the couch at home to read a book later, my two kitties snuggled up beside me. On my right, sweet Zoe had her paws criss-crossed in front of her, resting gently on my leg. On my left, Lucy placed her little head on my lap and purred. What a beautiful moment to celebrate! Filled with gratitude for this wondrous morning, I sat down to write and share my experiences with all of you. While seemingly simple, and possibly insubstantial to some, this lovely tapestry of moments uplifted my spirit and energized me for the day ahead.

Today I wish you moments of laughter, love, and pure joy – and an open heart with which to experience the mini-miracles around you every day.

Self-Care is Not Self-Pampering: Republished from Social Work PRN

2011-08-03T11:00:00.001-04:00

Self-Care is Not Self-Pampering

Posted: 22 Jul 2011 03:00 AM PDT

Ask anyone what they do for “self-care” and their answers are more likely to sound like “self-pampering” or “self-indulgence,” such as:
“I take a hot bubble-bath. I treat myself to a meal in a nice restaurant or some new shoes. I get a pedicure or a manicure. I get a massage. I have a pizza or drinks with friends when I’m stressed. I do something nice for myself as often as I can afford it.”
Pampering and self-indulgence are fine if you can afford them, but they’re not the things you do to ensure self-care that meets your needs for physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health.
Self-care is personal health maintenance – in other words, it’s anything that restores, improves, maintains, treats or prevents disease. It’s what we do to balance the stressors and demands of our life in a way that benefits our emotional, physical and mental health.
Self-care includes meeting our needs for:

Physical fitness and exercise and overall health
Nutrition and medical care, adequate supplements, medicine and treatments
Hygiene – including a healthy home and work environment and surroundings
Sleep and relaxation
Spiritual needs, emotional and mental health needs
Life Skills such as communication, relationships, assertiveness, boundary setting.

If you’ve felt frustrated after pampering and indulging yourself and still not feeling complete or healthy – chances are that misunderstanding the role of self-care and why we need it is part of the problem.
If you have a client who is unable to find or hold down a job, sustain a healthy and safe relationship, eat healthy foods, give up alcohol, drugs and compulsive behaviors, take responsibility for themselves or their lives, money, health or personal safety, you’re not likely to tell them to “take a bubble bath,” or “buy yourself something nice,” until their most basic self-care needs have been met first.
Self-care for yourself is no different. Social workers who don’t have life skills such as critical decision making, communication, boundary setting, financial literacy, cognitive restructuring, self-soothing, anger management and even parenting skills aren’t going to improve their lives with a manicure, a weekend at the beach or a bubble bath. Those things might distract us from the lack of life skills, or fitness, or spiritual needs – but they won’t meet those needs.
Self-care includes all the health decisions you need to make for yourself in order to get and stay physically and mentally fit. If you’re feeling stressed, burned out, fatigued, exhausted, angry, depressed or anxious some self-pampering might help, but it won’t heal. Self-care is giving yourself the gift of wellness. Putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s smart. Nurturing yourself and making sure you are 100% fit ensures you’ll be around for a long time to take care of all the people in your life you love and are responsible for. If you can’t evaluate yourself, then find a medical or mental health professional that can.

Risking Vulnerability

2011-07-24T14:22:00.001-04:00

In July, The Resiliency Center hosted the second half of the EMDR Basic Training with trainer Barb Maiberger (from Boulder, Colorado) and twelve dedicated and caring clinicians. As a Certified EMDR therapist, I was honored to participate in the training as a consultant and to offer support and guidance to the therapists learning this new modality. Over these three days, I felt inspired by the courage I witnessed in our practitioner community. A large part of the EMDR training is experiential, as therapists authentically engage from the roles of both counselor and client. Bearing witness to the risks taken by the community of clinicians in the EMDR training was deeply gratifying, as I saw tremendous openness, compassion, and health among this amazing group of practitioners.

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is rarely easy. While we may know intellectually that all people have old hurts and unprocessed “stuff,” we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that, as practitioners, we should somehow be immune from the effects of our past experiences or have already worked through all of them. In reality, personal and professional growth is a lifelong endeavor, and our old wounds may surface time and again for deeper healing. Prioritizing time to do our own work is a key component of what keeps us well and thriving in our work – and in our lives. I know that my ability to be fully attuned and skillful as a counselor and consultant depends upon my own active process of healing and growth. I love engaging in this process. I love experiential trainings as well as acupuncture, massage, laughter yoga, journal writing, meditating, painting, and participating in a women’s group. I also love dialoguing with other professionals about their wellness practices. If you haven’t already responded to any of the posts on this blog, please do. I’d love to hear from each of you about how you keep yourself healthy. In what ways do you insure that you are keeping your instrument tuned?

Super Powers - Republished from Social Work PRN

2011-07-20T21:51:00.000-04:00

Human Being’s One Super Power

by BECKY BLANTON on JULY 20, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

Superman had lots of powers, but he was most often referred to as “The man of steel.” Other superheroes have their own power – usually one unique power that sets them apart from other superheroes. It’s what defines them and gives them control over their environment. Must be nice eh?

The fact is human beings have a super power. It’s the same super power – the power of choice, but it’s incredibly empowering once you learn how to use it. The thing is, very few of us use our power and even more of us complain that we have no power at all.

All seven of the reasons I gave earlier this month about why so many of us fail at self-care (self included), revolve around our one failure to exercise the power of choice, or our failure to focus on the things we can control, not the things we can’t.

We all have the power to choose to stay, or go, or do, or not do something. We say, “I hate my job but I have to work.” No, you don’t have to work. You choose to work because you don’t like the consequences of not working. It’s still a choice. When you invest your power of choice in the areas, relationships and decisions where you have control (your choices), you tap into your superpower.

“I can’t afford to go back to school, buy a new car, or move into another apartment or house.” If you believe this, talk to Dave Ramsey. Ramsey has thousands upon thousands of examples of people who believed the same thing, and then turned around and paid off thousands of dollars in debt and then went back to school, bought new cars and paid off mortgages.

Social workers and those in various healing professions make the mistake of trying to change the things they cannot control – such as another person’s decisions, lifestyle or behavior. When they do that they give their power away, or negate it. If you remember your superhero lore Superman was susceptible to only one thing – Kryptonite. Kryptonite not only robbed Superman of his superhuman powers – it gave them to humans around him! Attempting to change the things you cannot change is Kryptonite to our power of choice. Not only does it rob us of our power, it hands that power over to the very people we’re trying to control!

SUMMARY:

The only power you have is choice in areas of your life that you control – namely anything to do with you. Choices have consequences. When you make a choice you choose the consequences that accompany that choice.

You don’t have to work at a job you hate. You are free to quit. The consequences of quitting may mean less money or no money, or a choice about pursuing a different job or career, but it’s still YOUR choice. It’s not that you “can’t choose to quit your job.” You’re choosing to stay in a job you hate and that makes you miserable rather than to quit and have no income or security. It’s still a choice. When you start seeing choices as a conscious decision among consequences your life will change dramatically. You will be empowered.

You can choose what to think about, what to read, what to think, what to focus on. You can choose in any arena in which you have control – namely, you only control yourself, not anyone or anything else. You can vote and choose whom to vote for, but you can’t control who wins the election.

You can choose to stop eating or buying or cooking unhealthy food, but you can’t control what other adults choose to do with their choice of food any more than you’d want them choosing what to do with yours.

You can choose to set and enforce boundaries related to your job, your family, your work and your relationships and clients. You can choose how to think, and thus how to feel, about a situation or relationship in your life.

Choice is scary. There’s no doubt about it. Too many of us prefer to live in a world where we believe decisions and choices are forced upon us. We find it easier or even comforting to believe that it’s better for others to make those decisions for us. You can do that. It’s your choice. So look at the consequences of it.

Choosing to abdicate your ability to choose means deciding to live a life of learned helplessness and lack of control over the things you can control if they are contrary to the boss, spouse or person you’ve handed your control to. Do you really trust other people so much that you know they’ll make the right choice for you?

Choosing not to abdicate your ability to choose means living a life where you make all the decisions about the things you can control. You choose between or among alternatives based on what you need, want, like or dislike. You’re free to include or not include the opinions and suggestions of others. After all – it’s totally your choice.

Which will it be? Isn’t it about time you owned your superpower?

Committing to Self-Care by Becky Blanton (Social Work PRN reposting)

2011-07-07T19:12:00.000-04:00

Committing to Self Care
by BECKY BLANTON on JULY 7, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS
“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” – Anne Morriss
Get lots of sleep. Eat healthy. Go to the gym. Treat yourself to a night out. Keep up with a regular support group. Do you know what all these things have in common? They’re impossible to do if you don’t make YOU a priority. And if you can’t set boundaries, say “No,” to people, including your family, friends and boss, then chances are you aren’t going to be able to do any of these things regularly enough to make a difference.
You’re a candle flaming out on both ends and an inferno waiting to catch fire and burn the house (or your life) down.
If you’re serious about self-care the first thing you’ll evaluate is your ability to make you the number one priority in your life. Unless you’re committed to yourself, no one else will be. Why should they be? If you aren’t important enough to you to take care of you, why should anyone else care?
Back in college I had a friend who was a runner. Every morning, or every day, rain, shine, freezing sleet, hail or snow she ran five to ten miles. It didn’t matter if a group of us went on vacation, or she was in some strange city for a job interview, she ran. When she partied until 3 a.m. and came home drunk, she still got up at noon and ran, whether she had a hangover or not. We all tried to everything we could to dissuade her from her routine and couldn’t. In the 20 years I’ve known her the only thing that kept her from the treadmill or the road was a physically disabling injury that prevented her from walking or running. And then she swam.
That’s dedication. She wasn’t an Olympic athlete. She didn’t compete outside of the occasional local road race. She was just devoted to her running. I never understood that until this week. I was expecting friends from out-of-town. They were having car problems and weren’t sure when they’d be in. I gave them the address of the gym and told them if I wasn’t home they could find me there – that I didn’t take my cell phone to the gym. I not only didn’t change or rearrange my schedule to be there for them, I never even considered not going to the gym – even if it inconvenienced them. That’s a huge step for me – queen of the co-dependents – to take.
Oddly enough, the decision to commit to my own health came in one fell swoop, with an off-the cuff remark from my trainer. I came in to a session one morning talking about all the objections I had to overcome every morning in order to show up to work out. She listened patiently then shrugged.
“You just haven’t made yourself a priority yet,” was all she said. She didn’t need or want excuses. They were just flags that kept me from facing the reality of what was going on. I hadn’t made myself or the gym, a priority. After thinking about it over the weekend however I decided that no matter what, come hell or high water, I would be at the gym every day at 6 a.m. I committed to making myself, my health and well-being, a priority.
I quit focusing on the reasons I didn’t want to go (tired, sleepy, sore, too much work) and focused on one thing – that I had committed to be there no matter what. Then I went. If I was tired, behind schedule, on deadline, sick, sore, distracted – I went. Once I was there the thing I thought might keep me from being there disappeared. In about six weeks I discovered a really strange change. I couldn’t NOT go to the gym. Now when something appears to try and dissuade me from my workouts I get antsy, anxious, irritable, even angry. Maybe it’s the endorphin addiction. Or maybe I’ve just discovered how good it feels to take care of me and I don’t want to lose that. But I believe it’s just a demonstration of the power of commitment.
Three months ago I committed to never going to bed without my kitchen sink being empty, clean and all the dishes put away. Now it’s a habit. I committed to eating breakfast (I’ve NEVER been a breakfast eater), and now I never miss a morning. The secret is not so much in finding reasons to do it as much as it is in simply deciding to do it. A reason is nice, but it can make it easier for your rationale mind to talk you out of your decision.
Things to AVOID when committing to self-care
Avoid hedging your bets. As Yoda, the Jedi Master in Star Wars says, “Do or not do. There is no try.” Hedging your bets is not committing. You can’t be “a little bit pregnant.” Think of breakfast – the chicken (eggs) is hedging their bets; the pig (bacon) is committed.
Avoid saying, “I’ll try it.” That’s a different version of hedging your bets. If you want to limit your commitment, then set a date. “I’ll commit to one week of walking 20 minutes a day. I’ll commit to six months. I’ll commit to 12 sessions.” Just commit and stick with it. Remind yourself you only committed to it for set amount of time. Alcoholics say, “One day at a time.” If that’s all you can commit to, then commit to one day, one hour or one minute at a time.
Avoid considering other options. Don’t say, “Well, I’ll take this job, but I’m going to keep looking.” Commit to the one job for a period of time and say, “I’ll commit to this job for six months, or a year and if it doesn’t work out after I put everything into it, I’ll start looking for another job.” Then commit to a date that you’ll find another job or quit by. I guarantee it will definitely drive your hunting if you commit to quitting by a certain date, job or not.
Avoid committing to self-care simply because your boss or spouse wants you to do it, or because it’s important to them. If your spouse wants you to commit to exercising and you really don’t want to do that, then commit to your spouse. That may mean you both walk or exercise. If you love your spouse and want to commit to spending more time with them more than you want to commit to going to the gym, chances are you’ll find the energy and drive to stick with the exercise. If you don’t have a spouse, then find something you can commit to, such as “I’m committed to keeping my job and that involves self-care such as eating healthy and exercising.”
Avoid committing to anything that violates your personal ethics, boundaries or beliefs. The guilt you’ll feel over the duration will erode or corrupt any gains you may receive from the commitment.
Things to DO when committing to your self-care
Have a plan and write it down. Read it every morning. It might be something as simple as, “I’m going to get up an hour earlier every morning and work out, or write my book, or meditate, or eat breakfast,” but have a plan and review it every day until you know it in your sleep.
Set a time frame and commit to the duration of it. E.g., “I’m going to walk for 30 minutes every morning until I lose 25 pounds.” It doesn’t matter if it’s one day, one week, one month or one year. Pick a time frame and finish out the time.
Take your head out of the game. Stop rationalizing; stop looking for or considering excuses, quit coming up with reasons to change your mind or your plan. Just commit and go. As Nike says, “Just Do It.”
Commit to something you want to do, never commit to something someone else wants you to do. If you want to be successful commitment has to come from your desire to do whatever it is for you and your best interests.
Commit only to things you believe in and that are in keeping with your faith, ethics and boundaries. When things get difficult or challenging our rational mind will find any excuse to quit and quitting over shame, guilt or non-compatible beliefs about the project is one of the first things we consider when deciding whether to quit.
Examine all your options, ethics, consequences and potential conflicts BEFORE you commit. Once you come up to the edge of the cliff you can’t change your mind once you’re in mid-air. Have the same mind-set when committing to take care of yourself and you’ll soon realize that what looked like a leap off the edge of a cliff was really a leap into the updraft that will help you learn to fly.

Spiritual Sustenance

2011-06-29T18:16:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I had the great honor of participating in a Spirited Explorations workshop, hosted by Sacred Journeys (www.oursacredjourneys.com) and led by Andy McClure and Maria Buckalew. The weekend combined music, art, poetry, ritual, laughter, tears, movement and dance, play, and spontaneous improvisation within a supportive container of community. This was the fourth spiritual growth weekend of this type that I’ve attended through Sacred Journeys, and each experience has inspired deeper self-reflection, sacred connections within a loving community, and greater levels of healing. One of the biggest takeaways from these weekends is always a powerful felt sense of the “Big Love” – the magnificent, transcendental experience of the unconditional love and interconnectedness of all beings. Awakening to the Big Love is true spiritual sustenance for me.

During this past weekend, I read a lot of Rumi’s poetry – to myself and aloud – and felt transformed by connecting with Rumi’s experiences of the Divine and by engaging at such a deep and intimate level with other travelers on the spiritual path. One of the participants described the weekend workshops, previously called “Shaking Medicine,” as an adventure in “dancing with God.” During our sacred time together, Andy suggested, “We are the drums upon which the gods play.” We are actively co-creating the experiences throughout the weekend, but there is also a strong element of surrender. When we bring openness to self, to community, and to spirit, we are changed and blessed. We surrender to the mystery, not knowing what will happen during the weekend or how our lives after the weekend may change in response to the growth that occurs when together.

For me, some of the sweetest and most remarkable mysteries this past weekend occurred during the Giveaway Ceremony. We each brought a wrapped item that held some personal meaning for us, placed those anonymously in the circle, and then randomly selected a new item to take home. The exchange was magical. Each person received something absolutely perfect and appropriate for who they were, why they were there, and where they were on their journey. We marveled at the poignancy of how our stories intertwined and how the gifts we brought ended up in the hands of people who needed them and with whom we’d made meaningful connections during the weekend. As for me, I host a drumming circle at The Resiliency Center, and I received a fabulous new rattle. It was similar to one I had previously, loved, and accidentally broke. It’s a playful instrument and absolutely in keeping with what I am seeking in my life at this time. A community member who has struggled with dyslexia throughout his life but has started reading more and more recently received an absolutely beautiful book and wept. To witness the mystery unfold in such personally meaningful ways for each person was stunning and inspiring. It further strengthened my faith in the Divine and in my place in the magical web of life. Despite the seeming contradiction, I have found that the further I open to the mystery, the more loved and less lost I feel. In the mystery, all things are possible. I am grateful for this growing spiritual community, for the opportunity to connect with such amazing men and women, and for experiences of the Big Love that support me on my journey to be and become my highest self.

Today, I wish you magic and mystery and spiritual sustenance on your travels. Whether you define spirituality as a direct connection with God, walking in the woods, participating in a religious community, deep communion with other people, or time alone in meditation or prayer, I wish you nourishment.

Laughter - and Developing a New Habit

2011-06-20T11:46:00.001-04:00

Last weekend I attended a laughter yoga leader training. It was marvelous fun. We engaged in laughing exercises, practiced deep yoga breathing exercises, and learned about the tremendous health benefits of laughter. At the end of the training, the teacher encouraged all of us to cultivate a new habit of daily laughter yoga. The health benefits take effect with even 15-20 minutes of laughter daily. When laughter exercises are combined with yoga breathing for a daily yoga laughter practice of 45 minutes, the resulting boost to physical and emotional health is significant! After only a weekend’s practice of 2 laughter yoga sessions each day, I was amazed at how good I felt. A woman in the class who struggled with fibromyalgia reported being pain-free for the first time in years as a result of the exercises in this training.

Tonight, as I reflected on this past week, I give myself credit for my intentional introduction of at least 15 minutes of daily laughter. I used driving my car as a prompt for remembering to laugh and to practice the sitting laughter yoga exercises. It has made my drive to work far more enjoyable. Reflecting over the week, I also note that I fell short in integrating a solid 45 minutes of laughter yoga practice into my daily routine. Cultivating a new health habit requires motivation, discipline, and planning. I believe it also highlights any current habits that may impede our ability to be successful. Introducing laughter into my drive was not difficult because I didn’t have any current driving practices besides driving and listening to music. Adding laughter to that is easy to do. But introducing a 45-minute laughter yoga practice, well, that takes some planning and requires a bit of schedule and priority reorganizing. Ideally, I’d practice in the morning – so I would get the benefits of laughter throughout the entire day. This requires getting up earlier. Getting up earlier requires going to sleep earlier. Going to sleep earlier requires skipping The Daily Show and Colbert Report – or taping them. There is a whole chain of things that need to change to put this new routine in place. While the changes I need to make aren’t particularly elaborate, sometimes cultivating a new health habit demands many different adjustments simultaneously.

Changing many things at once, replacing old behaviors with new ones, letting go of the habits we currently have, well, this is tough stuff! Research varies on the amount of days necessary to establish a new habit – from 21 days to 90 days depending on whom you ask. I wonder how much of the challenge in adopting a new habit is really a reflection of our difficulty letting go of whatever habits we currently have. Even if we know that jogging is better for us than watching “The Bachelorette,” we may continue succumbing to our desire to watch the show. Maybe we enjoy seeing the places they travel on their dates and imagining ourselves visiting there, or we find ourselves hooked on the adrenalin rush we get from screaming at the television set as if it we were on the sidelines at a boxing match and had some input into the decision-making. We human beings are often more emotional than we are rational, and struggles with habit change really illustrate this.

Is there a new habit you want to begin in your life? Is there something that continues to get in your way? I encourage you to be gentle with yourself, remember all the positive reasons you want to do this new thing, and then find a way to start – even if you start small at first. Find a way to make it easy for yourself. Laughing in the car works for me. I also bought a Laughter Yoga DVD that I can follow (rather than having to create my own routine each time – which can be challenging as a newbie). A friend of mine has wanted to focus more on his physical health for a while now and decided to hire a personal trainer. Great move! This professional has created a nutrition and exercise plan to help him reach his goals – and offers support through every step of the process. Support makes a big difference. I am fortunate because my sister also attended the Laughter Yoga Leader Training – so we’ve been checking in with each other about it. It also helps that once we begin a new health habit, the tangible benefits we experience often reinforce our commitment to the new behavior. This is definitely true for me with laughter yoga. I LOVE laughing, and I feel great when I do it.

What have you found really helps you stick with a new positive behavior? What do you know about how you can best support yourself and get support for yourself in creating the positive changes you desire?

Laughter Medicine

2011-06-05T01:15:00.003-04:00

I am happiest when I make time to prioritize laughter in my life. Watching a funny movie or spending time with friends who are naturally gifted storytellers are some of my favorite pastimes. I also love sharing an afternoon with one of several female friends who share my sense of humor and really get the absurdity of life. We can laugh and laugh until our stomachs hurt, often about the same sorts of things that could have us in tears on a different day or in different company.

Finding really good comedies to enjoy can be a challenge. Often I return time and again to the same old favorites. In my estimation, there simply aren’t enough comedic movies starring women. Many films with female casts are too sappy or too stupid.

When several women whose opinions I respect had been raving recently about the new movie Bridesmaids, co-written by Kristin Wiig of Saturday Night Live fame, I was a bit hesitant. Watching Kristin on SNL, I have admired her ability to transform herself into any number of crazy characters; however, I have found many (if not most) of the female characters she plays a bit painful to watch. The movie trailer for Bridesmaids didn't help, as it made the film look like a female version of Dumb and Dumber. I wanted to laugh, not be annoyed. I wanted a fun ride, not another movie that insulted women more than it really “got” them or their humor. My friends reassured me I would love it.

Well, I am happy to report that Bridesmaids definitely delivered! I went to see the movie last night and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The film provided a healthy dose of laughter. It included great physical humor, silly antics and inside jokes among women, and dialogue and portrayals that made fun of just about everyone but no one in particular (unless perhaps the type of man John Hamm portrays – but that seemed justifiable).

The movie had some truly over-the-top scenes and moments that were absolutely ridiculous. I adore this in my comedies. I enjoy the opportunity to step outside reality, suspend disbelief, and just enjoy. The cast was brilliantly expressive, and I still smile to think back on various shenanigans and the actors’ side-splittingly funny emotional reactions. One visual image in particular – seeing Maya Rudolph’s character in her custom-designed wedding dress – still has me giggling.

As a big fan of laughter, I loved the opportunity to giggle, laugh, and even snort at times throughout this film, one that ended up being far sweeter than I had anticipated. A fun female friendship film, Bridesmaids provided me with many minutes of laughter. I am so grateful! Laughter is definitely one of my very favorite ways to nurture my resiliency. Laughter is medicine – good for our physical and emotional health and fabulous in helping us see new perspectives and gain more appreciation for life.

Today, I encourage you to see a funny film or do whatever else makes you laugh heartily. I hope you giggle so hard that you snort, your belly aches, and you even have trouble catching your breath. That’s the good stuff. :-) Enjoy!

Discovering your personal bliss

2011-05-14T18:50:00.000-04:00

In New Orleans recently, a friend of mine experienced what he described as one of the top ten best moments of his life. We were in Café du Monde in New Orleans during the wee hours of the morning, enjoying beignets and café au lait. My friend’s wife noticed an employee had rolled the largest mixing bowl we’d ever seen into the room where we sat – and then walked away. It seemed that we hit Café Du Monde at perhaps its quietest hour, and the staff were in the process of cleaning. The mixing bowl seemed next in line.

To say that my friend is a “fan” of raw dough would be an understatement. While we may all enjoy a little raw cookie dough or brownie batter from time to time, he delights in all raw dough. His eyes absolutely lit up to see this giant bowl before us. Within the bowl remained some of New Orleans classic beignet dough, a pastry favorite in the French Quarter. My friend walked over to the bowl and scraped out a spoonful for his enjoyment. He was absolutely giddy with his discovery and savored every tiny morsel of his find. He was ecstatic. His joy sprang from the combination of tasting one of his favorite things (pastry dough) and the purely random experience of getting to “steal” it in the middle of the night from a giant bowl the kitchen staff happened to wheel within ten feet of us. He was delirious with joy.

The experiences that create bliss for each person are so unique. None of the rest of us felt inspired to taste the dough ourselves and may have even been a bit incredulous at his response. However, witnessing him experience so much bliss at this find – and hearing him describe his delight with such emphatic, wide-eyed enthusiasm – had us all smiling and often hysterical with laughter for hours to come.

Watching him giggle about how much fun he had taking the dough and how much pleasure he experienced tasting it, I wondered to myself, “What could I do at this moment in time that could give me the same incredible high? What could delight me to the tips of my toes such that I would dance a jig in celebration?”

I didn’t figure it out that night, nor have I since returning home a few days ago. But the question lingers. In my mind’s eye, I can still see my happy, happy friend giggling and as full of joy as I’ve ever seen another person. And I wonder. . . What simple act could I do that could bring me so much bliss? And if I knew what it was, if the desire surfaced spontaneously within me in a simple moment of time, could I allow myself to do it?

Entering each new moment of each new day, may we all discover and embrace whatever opportunities arise to experience our personal bliss. Enjoy!

Spring nourishment... by Guest Blog Writer Tracie Nichols

2011-05-02T22:47:00.001-04:00

Spring is a time when nature’s returning abundance reminds us how well nourished we can be by our relationship with the rich and loving Earth. In the spring we have the chance to work with the energies of season and place to sweep away dusty habits and thoughts, finding the bright shoots of new nurturing practices for ourselves. Through our relationship with nature we are encouraged to ground deeply. We are prompted to remember our intrinsically wild nature...our deeply embedded need for the rhythmic patterns of stillness and movement our bodies remember, but our minds often forget.

As a practitioner supporting the well being of clients & patients, this relationship with the natural world offers you firm ground to stand on as you do your work. It helps ease feelings of isolation, connect you more deeply with your intuition, and discover a powerful spiritual expression. I’m speaking from personal experience. I live immersed in a flow of conscious relationship and communication with the natural world, and that keeps me grounded and centered, clear and focused. It helps me find a balance among the demands of my day as a business owner, educator, consultant, wife and mother, and spiritual woman on an ever expanding journey.

I bridge people and nature, teaching awareness practices co-created with the energies of nature. These practices offer people ways to reclaim that relationship for themselves. This vibrant spring, I’d like to share a simple awareness practice with you. I invite you to gift yourself with this experience of grounding into the compassion and gratitude radiating from the Earth daily, when you first wake up or when you are preparing to sleep. You and the natural world have so much to offer each other, truly!

• Sit or lay comfortably. Allow yourself to turn off technological distractions.

• Bring your awareness to your breath, inhaling gently for about 8 seconds, and exhaling gently for about 10 seconds. Continue focusing on your breath until this breathing pattern feels comfortable (usually just a few more breaths).

• With each exhalation allow your loving awareness to flow through your body toward the Earth - visualize roots finding their way into the soil, if it helps.

• With each inhalation notice that you can sense a loving, compassionate awareness from the Earth - visualize roots reaching out and touching yours - nourishment flowing between you, if it helps.

• Breathe into this growing sense of connection, allowing it to expand, feeling it in your body, knowing it in your heart.

• Notice how still and deep this feels. Notice how your breath softens. Notice how your sense of belonging grows, here, in this connected state of being. You are nourishing and being nourished, You are loving and being loved.

• Breathe here until you feel complete.

• Offer gratitude. Repeat often. Share liberally.

Tracie Nichols, M.A. teaches people how to fall in love with themselves again...by falling in love with the Earth again. She teaches how to lovingly transform the world...by lovingly transforming themselves. Her work transforms the pain & anxiety of isolation, of not belonging, into grounded peace and vibrant living by helping people remember their intrinsic, intuitive relationship with the land. She does this through private consultations, classes, public speaking and writings. Tracie invites you to connect with her through her website alchemyfortheearth.com, or by email at info@alchemyfortheearth.com.

Cat Wisdom: It’s Always a Good Time to Play or Take a Nap

2011-04-24T23:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the stream of tasks we “must do” that we neglect the principles of living a good life that our feline friends know quite well. My two cats Lucy and Zoe teach me a lot about how to stay well. Some of my favorite kitty lessons include:

You can never take too many naps.
Naps spent snuggling with people or animals you love are the best.
Play is essential.
Although running around and jumping through the air can happen in the midst of play and get your heart beating fast, play is NOT a chore (because cats don’t do chores or know that “exercise is good for you”). Instead, play is a joyous adventure.
It is almost always a good time to play, and even when you aren’t in the mood to play, it’s still fun to watch people and see the silly stuff they do to try to get your attention.
When someone comes home and you haven’t seen them in a while, run to the door and greet them to let them know how much you missed them.
If you want something, ask for it. If you don’t get it, keep asking. If that doesn’t work, find creative ways to get the person’s attention until they DO give you what you want.
Never underestimate the power of being sweet and adorable on the behaviors of others.
When you’re with someone you love, there is nothing else you need to do and nowhere else you need to go.
Nothing is so stressful that play, a nap with a loved one, or a good meal can’t fix it.

What have the animals in your life taught you about life?

Healing your Body Using Your Mind – by Guest Blog Writer Jasmine Kaloudis

2011-04-13T15:16:00.000-04:00

Illness in any form is nothing more than our negative energies choking off so much of our Life-flow that cellular damage results. The body is not separate from the universe, so when we think a thought, the vibrations run through the body as well as everywhere else. If those vibrations are in harmony with our body’s intrinsic programming for well-being and vitality, the cells thrive. But if it’s negative energy we are projecting, the cells can’t remain strong enough and don’t perform as well.

Without the high frequency energy of life force necessary for them to survive they eventually weaken and die before their time, no longer able to replicate normally. Illness exists in a state of dis-ease. Someone has flowed more negative energy than high frequency energy. If you find a generally happy person, you usually find a very healthy person. People who are sick have shut themselves off in some degree from their own life Life-force energy by letting in negative thoughts from fear, guilt, blame, hate, worry (and the energetic resonance of those thoughts).

Anytime we think of anything, we’re flowing out some kind of positive or negative energy (feeling). Whatever we’re feeling, we’re attracting, on an energetic level. Then we live with the results. The vibration (or emotional resonance) that comes from our thoughts have the power to magnetize vitality or disease. The more thoughts we send out, the more powerful these vibrational clumps become and they start to draw into their whirling centers anything and everything of a similar vibration Like attracts like, whether it is something you desire, or something you don’t want.

To turn illness around, you must start to use trickery with your mind to shift it into creating higher vibrations (that come from focusing on feelings of gratitude, love, appreciation) to begin their process of regeneration. This is not a cure-all. It is simply a beginning. The key to reversing anything within the body is to get your focus of what you don’t like or want and get into the “feeling place”; for even though positive affirmations and visualization will help, learning to shift your own energy is paramount.

The trickery is much like writing a new script. You have to learn to consciously change the kind of energy or vibrations you are emanating since most social-conscious thinking (and feeling) is based on fear and lack. You can call this Flip-Switching your energy (vibrations). So here are two basic ways to flip-switch. You can do these at your desk (while facing a computer screen) or in the car, lying in bed or really anyplace…..so no excuses for not having a place or time to practice. (Are you committed to your excuse or are you committed to feeling better?)

1. Flow Appreciation- Focus on a part of your body that you are not happy with. If you have a bad back, then start to FLOOD your back with appreciation. Make yourself feel the frequency change in your body. Feel adoration, respect, gratitude and love pour and emanate out from you until you feel a buzz throughout your body.

2. Inner Smile Jump-Start. (Best to do this in private) Put a meaningful smile on your face, the kind of smile you’d have at seeing a newborn baby or watching puppies tumble and play. Feel it grow warmly inside of you until you’re encased in the glow of a gentle inner smile. While encased in this state, flow gratitude and love towards the part of your body that needs healing.

Just using these techniques once will not be a miracle-cure. It took a lifetime to get the thought and fear-based emotional habits and patterns you have and it will take discipline, commitment, faith and practice to heal as well. It helps to have a supportive buddy that you are practicing these with so you can check in with each other on your progress and keep each other inspired and accountable.

Throughout her 15 year yoga practice and teachings, Jasmine Kaloudis has experienced how yoga is a tool which allows us to experience our selves more fully and more richly. To learn more about author Jasmine Kaloudis, visit the website for her business, Synergy By Jasmine, at http://www.synergybyjasmine.com/.

Remembering our brilliance

2011-03-12T12:28:00.001-05:00

It is important to remember our reasons for entering our profession. The desire we have to help others, early inspiration from some of our own teachers, a "calling" we may have felt to bring healing to those in need, a love for and fascination with people and the natural world. A passage I find uplifting that reminds me of my own gifts - and a passage I love sharing with clients to encourage them to see the best in themselves - is the following one by Marianne Williamson:

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the World. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Reading inspirational words

2011-02-26T15:09:00.001-05:00

One thing that nurtures my resiliency as a helper is to read inspirational writings. I have a collection of favorites (so far in my travels). Today, I want to share one with you. Here goes:

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It does not interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It does not interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips
of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic, or remember the limitations of being human.

It does not interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes!!

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me to know who you are, how you came here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

Welcoming Whimsy into Our Lives

2011-02-18T10:25:00.001-05:00

Life can be so serious at times. Working as a healthcare or healing arts professional – or as an educator, clergy, or caretaker – is tremendously serious work. We devote ourselves to facilitating healing in others, teaching them, inspiring them, helping them confront real life challenges and personal dilemmas. The genuine intensity of the work can sometimes influence our perception of the world and those around us, such that we may begin to see most of life through a “realistic” lens (that those outside our profession might consider “bleak” or “dour”). The concept of vicarious trauma explains this change in our perception as an inevitable shift in worldview that stems directly from our exposure to the suffering in the world. Working in the service professions requires a great deal of resiliency and stamina. While the change may be inevitable, there is also much we can do to counter the effects of vicarious trauma. One very important action, I have found, is to celebrate the victories in our work. I keep letters and emails from people who have shared the story of their overcoming and their gratitude for the role our work together played in it. It’s important to remember that, while there is indeed pain in the world, there is also healing.

Another strategy I find particularly helpful in countering “the serious effect” (what I call the pattern whereby those of us engaging in deeply serious healing work become overly serious ourselves) is through allowing, welcoming, and even seeking greater whimsy in my life. As I’m using it here, I define whimsy as silliness, playfulness, dreaming, fun for the purpose of fun alone. No one is being “saved” when we are acting whimsically. I see whimsy as the opposite of seriousness – it offers lightness where seriousness can be quite heavy. As an opposite, whimsy has a lot to offer those of us anchored in the weight of our serious work. I encourage you to invite more play and whimsy into your life.

How do I enjoy whimsy in my own life? Silly hats help. Goofy movies can be a joy. Creating cartoon voices for the children’s books I read – well, that’s great entertainment. Whimsy to me means unnecessary by definition – and therefore really fabulously fun! One of my favorite whimsical activities happens during a monthly Creative Writer’s Meet-Up Group I host. We play a round robin story-writing game in which we all start a story simultaneously and write one to three sentences. Then we pass the papers to the next person and add one to three lines – and so on until each person’s story gets back to them. Then we read them aloud, to much laughter and amusement. These stories have no purpose other than to be fun. We don’t save them or build on them or make them to be something they are not. They are random and hilarious and fun to create. Whimsy at its best.

Today, I invite you to welcome more whimsy into your life - in any and every way that strikes your fancy.

Mindfully Choosing How We Respond to “Found” Time

2011-02-12T14:57:00.001-05:00

My schedule for yesterday morning was full at the beginning of the week. On Thursday at 7:00 p.m., it was still full. And then I received two phone calls Thursday late evening cancelling my morning appointments. This meant that I had until 1:00 p.m. to myself to do as I pleased! As much as the business part of me sometimes groans when appointments are cancelled unexpectedly, my spirit often embraces the change in schedule. This is also the case when things just don’t take as long as I’ve anticipated. Like the doctor’s appointment that I allotted two hours for that only took 30 minutes or the driver’s license renewal process that was ten minutes instead of the dreaded sixty. These are moments that may have us rejoicing – and moments that invite us to become increasingly conscious about how we spend our time.

When our schedules suddenly open up free time, we are faced with a choice. It is often far too easy to use that time unconsciously – to plunge the time back into work commitments or to hurry to our next destination early. But these unanticipated moments in our schedules offer us a real choice to prioritize self-care. Perhaps we’ve wanted to go for a walk at a local park but felt we could “never find the time.” Perhaps we didn’t have time to meditate this morning and would like to devote our “found” 30 minutes to a daily mindfulness practice. Maybe we have a friend we’ve wanted to call or a book we’re yearning to read. I love viewing these “found” moments of time as gifts for myself, opportunities to mindfully choose what will enrich me most at this given time.

So what will you do the next time a few moments or a few hours open up in your life? As for me, when my morning opened up on Friday, I chose to sleep in later than usual, enjoy a leisurely morning, and do a little reading. I felt refreshed, replenished, and a bit inspired as a result. I highly recommend it.

When to shovel and when to hire a teenager to do it

2011-01-26T17:23:00.002-05:00

I just finished shoveling my driveway and sidewalk and cleaning off my car. As I sit down inside to rest my body and dry off from the freezing rain that has plastered my hair to my skull, I wonder, “Was shoveling the best use of my time this afternoon?”

Now I’ll admit that there are many measures for determining “best use,” and no two people will reach the same conclusion for any given thing. In looking at this particular choice, I can consider time (an hour that could have been spent doing something else), money saved (I did it myself rather than paying someone), the potentially beneficial exercise I gained by shoveling (I say potentially because my I suspect my “form” was off and, while my heart got a good workout, I insulted my back), and the prediction that we will be getting another 4 to 10 inches later tonight so the whole thing will likely need to be done again. While it is true that I got some exercise and that, if I need to run to the emergency room in a hurry, I now can, I suspect I could have done something else more enjoyable, productive, or soul-uplifting with that hour. Yoga, talking with a friend, meditating, finalizing program details for an upcoming workshop, even taking a nap – these may have all been better ideas. So why did I do it?

As awake and enlightened as I aspire to be, the truth is that I am as perfectly flawed as the next person and vulnerable to the same irrational rationalizations. I looked out the window and saw that my neighbors' driveways were already clear. I looked on Facebook and read posts from friends busy shoveling. Although I had already decided to hire a teenager to shovel me out in the morning – after all the snow eventually falls – I allowed myself to be swayed in what I perceived to be the court of public opinion. If everyone else got out there in the snow to work, I “should” get out there too.

Maybe not. Maybe next time I can make a different choice and refrain from listening to whatever “should” is trying to catch me under its spell. I can give myself permission to do exactly what feels right for me in that moment, choosing to relax and enjoy the day or to shovel as feels right, and trusting that the plan I have to practice good self-care is absolutely the right plan for me.

So, what now? That hour is over, and I’ve already embarked on a new one – chuckling about the whole thing, suggesting to myself that I’ll call a friend next time, and feeling gratitude that this silly situation inspired me to write this blog.

Celebrating Personal Milestones

2011-01-16T19:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I had the great privilege of hosting a dinner party for a dear friend who wanted to celebrate her ten-year anniversary of being mania-free. Having struggled with Bipolar Disorder throughout her adult life, this was a significant milestone, and we were thrilled to applaud it. We gathered as a community of friends, shared delicious food, and made toasts to honor her and the mindful care she has given to her health and wellbeing over these years. A truly gracious, humble, and amazingly resilient woman, my friend made a point of recognizing all of us – her circle of friends – for our presence and support in her life over these past ten years. She reminded us of the importance of community and the power of friendship to sustain us during even the darkest hours.

One of my friend’s greatest gifts is her ability to laugh at the absurdities in life, and we enjoyed doing just that during our fun evening together. She can talk about her mania with humor and perspective now, and we all marvel at how incredibly healthy she is today in contrast, knowing full well that her steadfast dedication to her wellness has created that reality. Witnessing her mindful attention and devoted care to the stabilization of her illness over the years, I have been awed and inspired. What a phenomenal model for resiliency!

I absolutely love that she set aside an evening to honor this important milestone. How often do we allow our personal victories to go unnoticed, perhaps dismissing them as not important enough to merit recognition? How many opportunities have we missed to celebrate our own achievements and experiences of overcoming? Often, we are simply grateful that the hardest times are no longer upon us and want to move on – before really honoring our strength, resiliency, resourcefulness, and the support in our lives that made the transformation possible. What if we were to change that and begin honoring our milestones? How might our lives be enriched?

Balancing Public Awareness with Media Over-Exposure

2011-01-10T00:17:00.001-05:00

Limiting my exposure to media is one of the ways I support my resiliency – and a key ingredient in my ability to stay present to the pain of those I serve.

Yesterday, I found myself horrified and saddened when learning about the violent rampage in Arizona yesterday where Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot. The Congresswoman was participating in a “Congress on Your Corner” event, at a Safeway grocery store in the community she represented. Six people were killed, including a nine-year old child. A total of twenty people were shot in the senseless assault, all victims of a young 22-year old man with a history of problems.

I’d had a full day yesterday, including an enjoyable road trip with my husband. We’d been away from the radio or television for hours, so it wasn’t until I was checking friends’ Facebook posts later in the evening that I first caught wind of the news. I noticed my impulse to go online and learn everything I could about what happened. What had happened? Where did it happen? Who did this? Why?

Reading, in reverse order, the chronology of news reports as they had funneled in, I gained a basic picture of the “what” of the day’s events, but the “why” remained, for the most part, foggy speculation. As best as anyone can figure, the man who plotted to kill Giffords was angry, and he convinced himself he had identified a target for his rage. Reviewing the news reports, I found myself incredulous, questioning why someone would kill another human being. Could someone really believe violence was the solution for a difference of opinion? Is this a world where people believe killing innocent citizens and a nine-year old child is justified to “make a point”? I just sat there, shaking my head, stunned, sad.

This internal searching, this predisposition to ask questions of “Why?” and “How?” may be a positive attribute in my work as a counselor, but when it comes to distressing events in the news, I've learned that it can also become a liability. Curiosity can drive us to vicarious trauma through media over-exposure if we are not cautious. Generally, being informed about major news stories can be useful - if only to provide a bridge to clients and colleagues whose thoughts may be influenced by the recent sad events. However, I have learned over time to pause and assess when enough media on a particular story really is, enough.

I think I learned this most poignantly after the tragedies on September 11^th. The news media covered the day’s events around the clock for days and weeks – and information and interviews continued to be in the foreground for many months beyond that. I knew too many people who became so engrossed in watching these stories unfold that they disconnected from their lives and loved ones – becoming unable to listen empathically to the stories and hearts of those around them. I witnessed some parents whose own obsession with viewing the day’s unfolding details unwittingly harmed their children, as the children were exposed to graphic images of violence that haunted them for a long time thereafter. Some colleagues became so consumed by the media stories, the questions being asked, and the heartache flooding the airwaves that they lost their ability to be present emotionally with the everyday hurts our clients expressed. As for me, I did watch the news for the first few days after September 11^th . . . and then I stopped. I knew that if I allowed myself to watch too much, I could become flooded by images and emotions, vicariously traumatized, and rendered useless in my work. Instead of disconnecting from those around me, I unplugged from the media. I limited my exposure and remained open to clients, friends, and family. I trusted that I knew enough about what had happened – and could let the rest go.

Last night, I read the news online for a while and then made a conscious choice to turn off my computer. I was struck by the tragedy in Arizona, yet I knew it was in my own best interest to discontinue my searching and reading, to unplug from the media for a while and regain my own center. I chose to brew a cup of tea, read my Spirituality and Health magazine (a favorite), and begin to unwind for the day. I am so glad I did. It feels good to listen to and trust what is right for me.

Being human, I can still feel the tug of a compelling “why” from time to time. It helps me to pause, to take a deep breath, and to accept that some things happen that defy comprehension. It also helps to refocus my attention on the love and goodness in my life and the work I do each day to make a positive difference in the world.

Balancing time in reflective solitude with time spent in community

2010-12-31T11:43:00.001-05:00

During this busy holiday season, the invitations to spend time with friends and family are often abundant. I feel fortunate to be the recipient of so many extensions of friendship and love. This year alone, my husband and I juggled invitations to two holiday “game night” gatherings, a holiday music extravaganza, a Winter Solstice Concert, two gatherings with work colleagues, and visits with parents and siblings living at a distance. Unfortunately, we couldn’t join every celebration even though we wanted to. As is often the case, several things overlapped. Early invitations and time with family won out. Those with large extended families may have an even busier calendar, keeping them active and running throughout these early Winter weeks.

Determining how to prioritize the many tugs on our time during the holidays can be quite challenging. With our focus so often on hosting and attending gatherings, some may find it difficult to carve out quiet, reflective time in solitude. Others may find they are disproportionately spending time alone – and may need to seek out community even when the call to isolation beckons.

For me, I am struck by how much more I sometimes try to squeeze in to these shorter days of Winter, and I wonder if I might not be a little calmer and more content if I gave myself permission to follow the bear’s lead and hibernate. I know that quiet reflection can be a curative balm for my spirit. Yet, I often struggle to create time for it, as the fast pace of the season catches me in its current. Slowing down and prioritizing time for myself is as essential form of self-nurturing. Even more so during these busy times. When we are running from thing to thing without allowing much time to process and digest and just sit, we can become tired and frazzled. When we are already depleted, we may become more vulnerable to absorbing the stress of others. As helpers who witness others’ pain and extend ourselves with compassion, this season can be especially challenging. Through empathy, we vicariously experience the grief that often accompanies the holidays– felt empathically in the presence of those suffering and heard through their stories of loss, despair, and family fragmentation. Providing support to others in their darker days requires us to be resilient in our right. Our resiliency is fostered through a balance of enjoyable time in connection with others and replenishing time in quiet reflection.

Noticing the tension between the pull to be social and the desire for solitude, I’ve been able to say “no” a little more readily to others and “yes” a little more easily to time for myself. Spending time cooking delicious and nutritious meals has been especially healing and restorative for me lately. I also thoroughly enjoyed a Winter Solstice Singing Concert I attended, as it encouraged reflection, included silent meditation, and helped me connect with the meaning of the season. Since then, I’ve been enjoying time listening to favorite holiday music and jazz – and cherished the look, feel, and sounds of the candle’s flame and the crackling fire.

As we enter into this New Year, I wish you peace, joy, love – and the nurturing balance of solitude and community that is right for you.

Wholeness includes both grief and joy

2010-12-20T00:50:00.002-05:00

I notice how the world contains both grief and joy, birth and death, lightness and darkness, often so closely situated in time that we are left only with a sense that all are part of the whole. When there is darkness, there will also be light. Feeling joyful, I may also experience great sadness. I see this, and I breathe and I step back, grateful for the vantage point and the fluidity of existence.

I lost two people in my life suddenly in the past few months. One was a beloved friend with whom I’d shared many happy memories in the past and whose love for nature and animals rivaled all others. The other was a client whose wonderful sense of humor and keen insight were a joy and inspiration.

In the midst of the sadness and shock surrounding both losses, I have also experienced great happiness through the celebration of two of my wonderful, forty-something, female friends making the decision to become mothers. Their optimism and joy at welcoming their babies into the world has been heartwarming, inspiring, and contagious.

The juxtaposition of these experiences has awakened me more fully to the wholeness of my life and emotions. It has also encouraged me to reflect on larger meanings, the interconnectedness of all living beings, and the interrelationship of darkness and light. Needless to say, I don’t have it all “figured out” – and I realize that there really is no such thing as “figured out.” What I can do is breathe, open my heart to myself and others, and do my best to see the whole and keep a big picture in mind. In the midst of doing this, I also hope to bring people together more and more in connection and community. When two or more are gathered in pain, the grief is shared and the burden eased. When two or more are gathered in celebration, the happiness can be a ripple that spreads outward to inspire and uplift us all.

Creativity for Healing, Wellness, & Joy

2010-12-09T18:38:00.002-05:00

Every person is innately creative. As children, we naturally express ourselves through art, music, dance, creating stories, and building imaginary worlds. We enjoy the process of creating without criticizing the outcome. However, along the way from childhood to adulthood, many of us receive messages that discourage our natural creativity—such as teacher criticisms of our efforts; parents saying, “What a nice tree” when we draw a crocodile; and adults claiming that pursuing the arts professionally is not a real choice. From these early messages, we may conclude that creative expression is reserved only for the extraordinarily talented. This is simply not true. Everyone has within them the capacity for creativity, and there are unlimited pathways to for creative self-expression. Creative activities can include dancing, singing, drawing cartoons, journaling, knitting, gardening, karaoke, playing the guitar, writing knock-knock jokes, decorating one’s home, making jewelry, and building furniture—to name just a few!

When we play and create, we allow ourselves to feel, to be spontaneous, and to take time out from our busy schedules and our many responsibilities to just be. Creativity is an important part of wellness, and creative expression has been found to reduce stress, promote health, and even improve the functioning of our immune system! Creative forms of expression are so powerful because they can help us tap into parts of ourselves that thinking and talking cannot always access. For example, an individual who is drumming may become so absorbed in the rhythm that he no longer feels anxious, and someone who spends ten minutes scribbling may have feelings of anger surface and then be released through the movement of the crayons.

Tapping into and expressing our creativity is a natural resource for wellness. Creating connects us with our authentic self, provides a healthy outlet for emotions, and provides a vehicle for seeing and experiencing the world differently. Today, I invite you to experience the freedom and joy of creating.

The Importance of Sleep

2010-12-05T11:34:00.002-05:00

Nurturing our physical wellness includes prioritizing sleep and rest. Running around, trying our best to juggle multiple roles and responsibilities at home and work, we may sometimes sacrifice sleep in order to squeeze a few more hours out of the day. Sometimes, we feel these extra hours with our eyes open are essential to get done all the things on our “must do” list. Other times, we may see these extra hours of awake time as the only time we have for ourselves. This is tricky, however, as research consistently highlights the importance of sleep.

There are clearly variations in what amount or type of sleep is advocated, but the importance of getting enough for your body to recharge itself is a consistent message. Some studies point to 7 ½ hours to 8 ½ hours of uninterrupted sleep as the range for optimal health. For some people, especially those who are empathic and sensitive to the stimulation around them, 9 hours may be preferable. Some research talks positively about a natural waking time in the middle of the night and supports the idea of a nap during the afternoon lull in energy most of us experience.

Regardless of which philosophy and research resonates with you, the importance of sleep is undisputable. As much as some trends hold true, every person’s body and needs are unique. As our own best barometers for health, the more attuned we can become to our bodies, the better able we’ll be to determine the amount of sleep that is right for us. For me, 8 or 9 hours is ideal. I can “get away with” 7 or 7 ½, but I am not as sharp or clear-headed. It is worth it to me to get to bed a bit earlier – or start my day later – to respect this need.

We can also develop increased sensitivity to our own natural rhythms. When do you feel most energized – morning, afternoon, early evening, late night? When do you feel most sluggish? When does your body naturally want to be awake and to sleep? When we push hard to defy our natural rhythms, we often feel depleted. Sometimes this struggle against natural rhythms is at work with the person who stays up really late – and then wakes at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for work. Staying up late may be the natural rhythm. However, 5 ½ hours of sleep per night is inadequate. Perhaps working in the early morning is really the problem. How can you change your schedule to honor your own natural rhythms? And when that is not possible, how can you get yourself to sleep early enough to give your body the restorative time it needs to unwind and heal?

It is essential that we give ourselves enough time to rest and recharge our batteries for each new day. Waking feeling rested, I am excited about the day ahead, the people I’ll have the privilege to share time with, the discoveries we’ll make together, and the time for work, play, rest, and creativity.

Today and every day, I wish you restful sleep and the rejuvenation it brings.

Connecting with Peers - and Reducing Isolation

2010-12-03T14:58:00.001-05:00

While our family and friends are critical supports in our lives, there is a limit to what we can discuss with them and the depth at which they’ll be able to understand our profession-specific concerns (unless they, themselves, are in the field – or another helping profession). Rural counselors, those in private practice, counselors in busy group practices, and those in overwhelmed community mental health settings can feel isolated. Sometimes by the reality of their geographic isolation and other times when the pace and demands of the job sometimes erode opportunities for connecting on more than a superficial level with peers. Staying well in these circumstances requires getting creative and actively working to gather the support you need.

To build your support network, try attending networking events, national and regional conferences, and professional training programs. Post questions and participate in online forums for counselors through the online community I created at www.resilientcommunity.ning.com or sites like Linked In and Psychology Today. Do research to find out who in your geographical region is doing similar work to you, contact them, and schedule a time to talk in person.

When meeting in person isn’t possible, use the phone and email colleagues – to vent, to ask questions or for support, to take a moment to tell a joke or catch up. Even if your “local” colleagues end up being three counties or two hours away, they can be a resource for you. There are several free teleconference services where the only fee is the price of the phone call through your local phone service provider.

Why is it so hard for me to prioritize my own wellness?

2010-12-01T13:54:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it is hard to put into practice all the great advice we give others about self-care. When we know so much intellectually about what it takes to be well and stay well, it can be confusing to reflect on how little we may heed our own advice at times. So what gets in the way? Why is it so hard to prioritize our own wellness as helpers?

Many helpers were peacemakers, listeners, and devoted caretakers long before they entered their specific healthcare or healing arts profession. We may find it difficult to prioritize our own needs in the same way we prioritize others’ needs – and may even feel it would be impossible to prioritize ourselves more than others. Those of us drawn to work in healthcare and healing arts may have learned at an early age to become other-focused rather than self-focused. As a result, we may not feel that we need or deserve the same nurturing we accept others need and deserve. We may also have exceptionally high standards for ourselves - and yet be compassionate and forgiving of the shortcomings, mistakes, or inconsideration of others. Like those we serve, we may find ourselves struggling to turn off our own internalized litany of “shoulds.” Shoulds that may drive us to accomplish tasks and be there for others (clients, friends, family members, colleagues, etc.) without consideration for our own needs.

I love reminding clients, other helpers, and myself, that there is no such thing as "should." Sometimes they'll argue with me that there are indeed some very strong "shoulds" we must all follow - like we "should not" kill people and we "should" be respectful of our elders. I disagree that these are viable shoulds. Instead, they may describe beliefs - but even beliefs have grey areas. Even killing can be grey. If your life or the life of your child were threatened and you could either kill the attacker or let him kill you, is there really a hard rule for that? Is it really so clear-cut? I think it is grey. In the example of respecting your elder, I think that depends as well - on the elder and how you define the word "respect." Usually, our "shoulds" were given to us during childhood and have remained in place, unquestioned, since then. I encourage you to question them. I love the expression, "Stop shoulding all over yourself." I encourage you to repeat it to yourself often.

If you are struggling to put self-care practices into place in your life, you may want to consider exploring the thoughts and patterns that get in your way. Consider time in meditation, writing about it, talking with a counselor, and spending time in dialogue with friends and colleagues. You deserve excellent care, just like your clients. If ever in doubt, just ask. I'm happy to remind you.

Play and Laugh

2010-11-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

Infuse a sense of play into your life. Laughter heals. A sense of play can help you and your clients remember that life need not always be so serious. What about bringing in a Magic 8 Ball to work – even if only to the breakroom for you and your colleagues. I have a playful little wire figure of a girl sticking out her tongue that reminds me that humor is healing. Clients love this little figure and have commented that her silly irreverence inspires them to speak their mind and see the humor in situations. I love to laugh. I’ve attended a few laughter yoga classes – and had an absolutely fabulous time! Even if you cannot find a laughter yoga class in your area, you can make up your own “laughter practice.” It’s a whole lot of fun in groups, so gather some people together and start by making big bellied “Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha” sounds. Maybe bounce up and down as you do it – or make some other physical motions that feel entertaining at the moment. Start making up different laughter sounds and doing them in unison: the snort laugh, the high pitched squeal laugh, the deep voice laugh, anything that comes to mind. If this sounds ridiculous, that’s because it IS ridiculous! That’s the point! Soon, you’ll be laughing for real and having a ton of fun. Enjoy!

Why is it important that counselors take care of themselves?

2010-11-27T13:38:00.001-05:00

Everyone deserves good care, and counselors are included in that “everyone.” We are entitled to the same riches of health, joy, peace, connection, and opportunity that we wish for our clients and the communities we serve.

Additionally, counseling is a profession dependent upon our ability to be authentic and attune empathically, as it is through this process of careful attunement that healing and growth occur. Research consistently demonstrates that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is more predictive of counseling outcome than any other factor. Since the self of the counselor is an essential component of effective counseling, it is vital that we nourish our own wellness. When we are well, we are better able to connect with our clients, more attentive and creative in our work, and less likely to make clinical errors or violate boundaries. We are instruments of healing. If we don’t keep our own instrument tuned, we won’t be useful in promoting wellness in others. The airplane metaphor holds true here: If we don’t put our own oxygen masks on first, we won’t be able to care for anyone else.

We also serve as role models for our clients. We, therefore, need to be aware of the messages we teach clients when we honor boundaries or neglect to set them, when we take a day off to nurture our health or come into work sick, or when we model joy and curiosity or unintentionally share the flat affect of our unresolved grief or depression. Take excellent care of yourself! When you do, you contribute exponentially to the joy in the world!

Challenges to Counselor Wellness

2010-11-26T13:30:00.001-05:00

There are many challenges to maintaining counselor wellness, and many of these stem from the nature of the work itself. Thomas Skovholt, author of The Resilient Practitioner, describes the “Caring Cycle” in which counselors repeatedly connect to clients through empathy, become actively involved with them, and then ultimately disengage as clients leave therapy (after the work is done and also when counseling work ends prematurely for a variety of reasons). Over the course of months, years, and a career, this caring cycle can take a toll an emotional toll on counselors. Empathy is the foundation for and an absolutely critical component of all effective counseling work. It is also the conduit through which the pain of the client impacts the self of the counselor. While vital, being emotionally attuned and available to clients increases our vulnerability in the work. And, yet, we cannot be effective in our work if we are not emotionally attuned and available. Within the counseling relationship and within the moment-by-moment interplay of each session, this is the ultimate balancing act – finding ways to stay attuned to clients while maintaining a strong and deep connection with our own experience.

It is important for counselors to understand that there are risk factors inherent in the work and that noticing signs of stress or distress is a sign of health not impairment. None of us are immune to the effects of the work. When counselors can view their emotional responses to their work as an expected part of empathic engagement (rather than something they are doing wrong), they are more likely to seek support, talk about stress with colleagues, and engage in self-care practices to support their overall wellness.

Gratitude

2010-11-25T13:42:00.002-05:00

I love Thanksgiving. How wonderful that we devote a day to enjoying the company of those we love and to expressing gratitude for one another and our many blessings. Our wellbeing is nourished when we savor the bounty of the holiday meal we are enjoying and give thanks for the earth that produced it and the love that went into its preparation. It feels good to share our thankfulness with one another – and for one another.

Tapping into and expressing our gratitude is a practice that sustains us in our work as well. As counselors, we are incredibly privileged to do such meaningful work, to witness the resiliency of the human spirit to prevail under adversity, to share in the hope, dreams, and healing of those with whom we work. While our work involves empathic connection with pain and suffering, it also involves connection to courage and joy. Remembering the stories of triumph – especially in darker moments when the work is hard and the overcoming seems implausible – can help us sustain hope and tap into gratitude for the healing possible in the counseling process.

Today, and every day, I am incredibly thankful for the women, men, and children who have given me the honor of traveling with them on their journeys to healing. Their courage and faith, perseverance and wisdom have inspired me and deeply enriched my life. I am also very thankful for my many teachers, the elders who have traveled before me, my phenomenal support community, and those who have nurtured me on my own healing journey.

Spending time with family today, I fill with happiness as I share laughter and hugs with the children in my life. This morning, after running to the store for a few last minute items, I saw a family of five deer run through the neighborhood towards the woods. It was sweet and magnificent. As the snow falls lightly outside now, I am filled with gratitude for the beauty of the natural world and the changing of the seasons.

Allowing myself to turn my attention to the many blessings in my life, I am filled with joy. Today, and every day, I wish you the joy and healing power of gratitude.

Prioritize What is Essential

2010-11-24T13:43:00.001-05:00

It is helpful to practice sorting our “to do lists” into the truly essential tasks and those that are nonessential, in order to carve out more time to care for ourselves, unwind, and spend enjoyable time with people we love. A counselor in one of my consultation groups recently told a story in which she was growing resentful of her husband and his ability to relax on his days off. In an argument with him, she had stated emphatically, “There are no days off in this household!” While believing this assertion wholeheartedly as she was expressing it to him, she had to laugh at herself as she was recounting the story aloud in our group. She realized it wasn’t okay with her for him to have a “day off” because she had never considered the possibility that she, too, might be entitled to regular down time. We explored the undercurrent of beliefs that drive so many of us to push hard without resting, to put others before ourselves, and to deny our basic needs for rest, nourishment, and pleasure. Yes, some of the tasks of work and parenting and taking care of a home are essential, but some are not. Counselor wellness is sustained when we take an ongoing inventory of what’s truly important and make sure we’ve made ourselves a high priority on our running “list” of things requiring care.

Welcome!

2010-11-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

Join me in making the wellness of our counseling community a top priority!

Each one of us is unique. We have our own vulnerabilities to the work, and our favorite strategies to promote our wellness will vary. To begin the dialogue about wellness, let me share that I LOVE getting a massage, enjoy painting and drumming, receive acupuncture regularly, value the support of my professional colleagues at The Resiliency Center (http://www.theresiliencycenter.com/), love hiking and time outdoors, and cherish the support of friends and family. One of my favorite activities to promote wellness is laughter. Laugher is my medicine. I love spending time laughing with my favorite people in the world. What a joy!

I look forward to hearing from each of you about what challenges your wellness and what practices you've found most helpful in sustaining energy and enthusiasm for the work. Please share your questions, comments, favorite self-care strategies, and stories of healing. Thanks!

Wishing you peace, joy, and resiliency!
Elizabeth