Why is it so hard for me to prioritize my own wellness?

Sometimes it is hard to put into practice all the great advice we give others about self-care. When we know so much intellectually about what it takes to be well and stay well, it can be confusing to reflect on how little we may heed our own advice at times. So what gets in the way? Why is it so hard to prioritize our own wellness as helpers?

Many helpers were peacemakers, listeners, and devoted caretakers long before they entered their specific healthcare or healing arts profession. We may find it difficult to prioritize our own needs in the same way we prioritize others’ needs – and may even feel it would be impossible to prioritize ourselves more than others. Those of us drawn to work in healthcare and healing arts may have learned at an early age to become other-focused rather than self-focused. As a result, we may not feel that we need or deserve the same nurturing we accept others need and deserve. We may also have exceptionally high standards for ourselves - and yet be compassionate and forgiving of the shortcomings, mistakes, or inconsideration of others. Like those we serve, we may find ourselves struggling to turn off our own internalized litany of “shoulds.” Shoulds that may drive us to accomplish tasks and be there for others (clients, friends, family members, colleagues, etc.) without consideration for our own needs.

I love reminding clients, other helpers, and myself, that there is no such thing as "should." Sometimes they'll argue with me that there are indeed some very strong "shoulds" we must all follow - like we "should not" kill people and we "should" be respectful of our elders. I disagree that these are viable shoulds. Instead, they may describe beliefs - but even beliefs have grey areas. Even killing can be grey. If your life or the life of your child were threatened and you could either kill the attacker or let him kill you, is there really a hard rule for that? Is it really so clear-cut? I think it is grey. In the example of respecting your elder, I think that depends as well - on the elder and how you define the word "respect." Usually, our "shoulds" were given to us during childhood and have remained in place, unquestioned, since then. I encourage you to question them. I love the expression, "Stop shoulding all over yourself." I encourage you to repeat it to yourself often.

If you are struggling to put self-care practices into place in your life, you may want to consider exploring the thoughts and patterns that get in your way. Consider time in meditation, writing about it, talking with a counselor, and spending time in dialogue with friends and colleagues. You deserve excellent care, just like your clients. If ever in doubt, just ask. I'm happy to remind you.