Remembering our brilliance

It is important to remember our reasons for entering our profession. The desire we have to help others, early inspiration from some of our own teachers, a "calling" we may have felt to bring healing to those in need, a love for and fascination with people and the natural world. A passage I find uplifting that reminds me of my own gifts - and a passage I love sharing with clients to encourage them to see the best in themselves - is the following one by Marianne Williamson:

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the World.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

When to shovel and when to hire a teenager to do it

I just finished shoveling my driveway and sidewalk and cleaning off my car. As I sit down inside to rest my body and dry off from the freezing rain that has plastered my hair to my skull, I wonder, “Was shoveling the best use of my time this afternoon?”

Now I’ll admit that there are many measures for determining “best use,” and no two people will reach the same conclusion for any given thing. In looking at this particular choice, I can consider time (an hour that could have been spent doing something else), money saved (I did it myself rather than paying someone), the potentially beneficial exercise I gained by shoveling (I say potentially because my I suspect my “form” was off and, while my heart got a good workout, I insulted my back), and the prediction that we will be getting another 4 to 10 inches later tonight so the whole thing will likely need to be done again. While it is true that I got some exercise and that, if I need to run to the emergency room in a hurry, I now can, I suspect I could have done something else more enjoyable, productive, or soul-uplifting with that hour. Yoga, talking with a friend, meditating, finalizing program details for an upcoming workshop, even taking a nap – these may have all been better ideas. So why did I do it?

As awake and enlightened as I aspire to be, the truth is that I am as perfectly flawed as the next person and vulnerable to the same irrational rationalizations. I looked out the window and saw that my neighbors' driveways were already clear. I looked on Facebook and read posts from friends busy shoveling.  Although I had already decided to hire a teenager to shovel me out in the morning – after all the snow eventually falls – I allowed myself to be swayed in what I perceived to be the court of public opinion. If everyone else got out there in the snow to work, I “should” get out there too.

Maybe not. Maybe next time I can make a different choice and refrain from listening to whatever “should” is trying to catch me under its spell.  I can give myself permission to do exactly what feels right for me in that moment, choosing to relax and enjoy the day or to shovel as feels right, and trusting that the plan I have to practice good self-care is absolutely the right plan for me.  

So, what now?  That hour is over, and I’ve already embarked on a new one – chuckling about the whole thing, suggesting to myself that I’ll call a friend next time, and feeling gratitude that this silly situation inspired me to write this blog.  

Why is it so hard for me to prioritize my own wellness?

Sometimes it is hard to put into practice all the great advice we give others about self-care. When we know so much intellectually about what it takes to be well and stay well, it can be confusing to reflect on how little we may heed our own advice at times. So what gets in the way? Why is it so hard to prioritize our own wellness as helpers?

Many helpers were peacemakers, listeners, and devoted caretakers long before they entered their specific healthcare or healing arts profession. We may find it difficult to prioritize our own needs in the same way we prioritize others’ needs – and may even feel it would be impossible to prioritize ourselves more than others. Those of us drawn to work in healthcare and healing arts may have learned at an early age to become other-focused rather than self-focused. As a result, we may not feel that we need or deserve the same nurturing we accept others need and deserve. We may also have exceptionally high standards for ourselves - and yet be compassionate and forgiving of the shortcomings, mistakes, or inconsideration of others. Like those we serve, we may find ourselves struggling to turn off our own internalized litany of “shoulds.” Shoulds that may drive us to accomplish tasks and be there for others (clients, friends, family members, colleagues, etc.) without consideration for our own needs.

I love reminding clients, other helpers, and myself, that there is no such thing as "should." Sometimes they'll argue with me that there are indeed some very strong "shoulds" we must all follow - like we "should not" kill people and we "should" be respectful of our elders. I disagree that these are viable shoulds. Instead, they may describe beliefs - but even beliefs have grey areas. Even killing can be grey. If your life or the life of your child were threatened and you could either kill the attacker or let him kill you, is there really a hard rule for that? Is it really so clear-cut? I think it is grey. In the example of respecting your elder, I think that depends as well - on the elder and how you define the word "respect." Usually, our "shoulds" were given to us during childhood and have remained in place, unquestioned, since then. I encourage you to question them. I love the expression, "Stop shoulding all over yourself." I encourage you to repeat it to yourself often.

If you are struggling to put self-care practices into place in your life, you may want to consider exploring the thoughts and patterns that get in your way. Consider time in meditation, writing about it, talking with a counselor, and spending time in dialogue with friends and colleagues. You deserve excellent care, just like your clients. If ever in doubt, just ask. I'm happy to remind you.