Spinning Plates

Often when people speak about the many competing demands on their time, they use the metaphor of juggling. For me, I prefer the image of the Chinese acrobat troupe spinning plates atop long poles. It always seems amazing that they are able to get one plate or bowl spinning, let alone seven or twelve. Watching these performers as they add more and more plates, I laugh to myself and reflect on my life. I love the challenge of adding a new plate while keeping the already spinning plates spinning. This usually remains possible. And when it isn’t possible, I have learned (and continue to learn) that it is okay to put down one plate before getting another one going. And sometimes it is even okay to put them all down for a while, walk off stage, and leave the theatre altogether for a while. There are other acrobats in the troupe, others who will keep the audience entertained while I do what I need to do to take care of myself.  During these past few months, this blog was a plate I decided to stop spinning while my gaze turned elsewhere. Today, I am happy to pick it up again and rejoin you in this dialogue.  How DO we care well for ourselves while focusing our efforts on taking good care of others? 

I am someone who keeps myself pretty busy.  Professionally, I like to do a lot of different things and therefore am usually involved in several different work projects simultaneously. I lead a supervision group for those seeking LPC Licensure. I facilitate a women’s personal growth group. Working with couples, I help them learn communication and conflict resolution skills, change non-productive ways of relating, and help them develop greater intimacy and compassion for one another. As an individual therapist, I help people heal unresolved traumas so that they can experience greater joy in their lives. I provide consultation to other therapists seeking certification in EMDR (a comprehensive, trauma-informed therapy model). I teach workshops on practice-building to other practitioners in healthcare and healing arts. I have my hands in many different activities simultaneously, and I love it.

Socially, I enjoy staying in touch and sharing time with many colleagues, friends, and family members. I have remained connected to friends since high school, college, and graduate school. I have friends who are artists and writers, friends who are in the helping professions like me, friends in corporate jobs, friends who are entrepreneurs, close girlfriends, couples friends with whom my husband and I enjoy socializing, and fellow travelers on a spiritual path.

In addition to time in connection with others, I also love seeing live music, attending interesting cultural events, reading, and pursuing a range of hobbies from painting to hiking to photography and whatever else strikes my fancy in the moment.

I cherish and celebrate the diversity in my life. It is difficult for me to imagine “streamlining” my life, or simplifying it, such that I would focus only on one aspect of my work or one type of leisure activity at a time. The way I live my life brings me tremendous reward and joy and really fuels my curiosity and thirst for variety. However, for people who are enthusiastic about life in the ways that I am (if you know the Enneagram, my “type” is “The Enthusiast”), we run the risk of burning the candle at both ends and, ultimately, burning ourselves out if we don’t learn to say “no” to some things, set limits, and prioritize balance and health.

This is an ever-present challenge for me. There is always something new and shiny on the horizon pulling me towards it, enticing me with promises of how fascinating or fun it will be.

I have learned, over time, that the two most important practices that support mindful discernment and balance in my life are sleep and meditation.  When I get at least seven and a half hours of sleep, I think more clearly. My choices are more likely to be in harmony with my long-term goals and my current-day well-being.  Meditation – and mindfulness practices in general – help me to slow down, and slowing down is absolutely essential for someone like me. When I slow down, I remember what is most important. I am able to filter through all the many choices that appeal to me in a given moment and see the big picture of my life.  I am able to pause before saying “yes” to the new gleaming possibility on the horizon and consider how saying “yes” would really impact my life in the short term and the long term.

Even with these practices in place, sometimes my life begins to feel like a locomotive going one hundred and twenty down the tracks with no station in sight. I have committed to too many things at once, and it requires more than sleep and daily quiet reflection to get myself back in balance.  I begin to feel depleted only half way through my day, and I lose the spark, the joy, for my work, my play, and my relationships.  At these times, a walk in nature provides the solace and connection I seek. Remembering the metaphor of the plate-spinning acrobat, I make a choice to walk off stage and devote an hour, a day, a weekend, or even longer to time with myself doing whatever most feeds me in the moment. This time in retreat offers the rest and replenishment I need to re-enter my life feeling replenished, curious, and juicy once again.

If you are a plate-spinning caregiver like me, what do you do that most sustains and nourishes you? How do you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground as you spin plates in your own life?

Committing to Self-Care by Becky Blanton (Social Work PRN reposting)

Committing to Self Care

by BECKY BLANTON on JULY 7, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” – Anne Morriss

Get lots of sleep. Eat healthy. Go to the gym. Treat yourself to a night out. Keep up with a regular support group. Do you know what all these things have in common? They’re impossible to do if you don’t make YOU a priority. And if you can’t set boundaries, say “No,” to people, including your family, friends and boss, then chances are you aren’t going to be able to do any of these things regularly enough to make a difference.

You’re a candle flaming out on both ends and an inferno waiting to catch fire and burn the house (or your life) down.

If you’re serious about self-care the first thing you’ll evaluate is your ability to make you the number one priority in your life. Unless you’re committed to yourself, no one else will be. Why should they be? If you aren’t important enough to you to take care of you, why should anyone else care?

Back in college I had a friend who was a runner. Every morning, or every day, rain, shine, freezing sleet, hail or snow she ran five to ten miles. It didn’t matter if a group of us went on vacation, or she was in some strange city for a job interview, she ran.  When she partied until 3 a.m. and came home drunk, she still got up at noon and ran, whether she had a hangover or not. We all tried to everything we could to dissuade her from her routine and couldn’t. In the 20 years I’ve known her the only thing that kept her from the treadmill or the road was a physically disabling injury that prevented her from walking or running. And then she swam.

That’s dedication. She wasn’t an Olympic athlete. She didn’t compete outside of the occasional local road race. She was just devoted to her running. I never understood that until this week. I was expecting friends from out-of-town. They were having car problems and weren’t sure when they’d be in. I gave them the address of the gym and told them if I wasn’t home they could find me there – that I didn’t take my cell phone to the gym. I not only didn’t change or rearrange my schedule to be there for them, I never even considered not going to the gym – even if it inconvenienced them. That’s a huge step for me – queen of the co-dependents – to take.

Oddly enough, the decision to commit to my own health came in one fell swoop, with an off-the cuff remark from my trainer. I came in to a session one morning talking about all the objections I had to overcome every morning in order to show up to work out. She listened patiently then shrugged.

“You just haven’t made yourself a priority yet,” was all she said. She didn’t need or want excuses. They were just flags that kept me from facing the reality of what was going on. I hadn’t made myself or the gym, a priority. After thinking about it over the weekend however I decided that no matter what, come hell or high water, I would be at the gym every day at 6 a.m. I committed to making myself, my health and well-being, a priority.

I quit focusing on the reasons I didn’t want to go (tired, sleepy, sore, too much work) and focused on one thing – that I had committed to be there no matter what. Then I went. If I was tired, behind schedule, on deadline, sick, sore, distracted – I went. Once I was there the thing I thought might keep me from being there disappeared. In about six weeks I discovered a really strange change. I couldn’t NOT go to the gym. Now when something appears to try and dissuade me from my workouts I get antsy, anxious, irritable, even angry. Maybe it’s the endorphin addiction. Or maybe I’ve just discovered how good it feels to take care of me and I don’t want to lose that.  But I believe it’s just a demonstration of the power of commitment.

Three months ago I committed to never going to bed without my kitchen sink being empty, clean and all the dishes put away. Now it’s a habit. I committed to eating breakfast (I’ve NEVER been a breakfast eater), and now I never miss a morning. The secret is not so much in finding reasons to do it as much as it is in simply deciding to do it. A reason is nice, but it can make it easier for your rationale mind to talk you out of your decision.

Things to AVOID when committing to self-care

• Avoid hedging your bets. As Yoda, the Jedi Master in Star Wars says, “Do or not do. There is no try.” Hedging your bets is not committing. You can’t be “a little bit pregnant.” Think of breakfast – the chicken (eggs) is hedging their bets; the pig (bacon) is committed.

• Avoid saying, “I’ll try it.” That’s a different version of hedging your bets. If you want to limit your commitment, then set a date. “I’ll commit to one week of walking 20 minutes a day. I’ll commit to six months. I’ll commit to 12 sessions.” Just commit and stick with it. Remind yourself you only committed to it for set amount of time. Alcoholics say, “One day at a time.” If that’s all you can commit to, then commit to one day, one hour or one minute at a time.

• Avoid considering other options. Don’t say, “Well, I’ll take this job, but I’m going to keep looking.” Commit to the one job for a period of time and say, “I’ll commit to this job for six months, or a year and if it doesn’t work out after I put everything into it, I’ll start looking for another job.” Then commit to a date that you’ll find another job or quit by. I guarantee it will definitely drive your hunting if you commit to quitting by a certain date, job or not.

• Avoid committing to self-care simply because your boss or spouse wants you to do it, or because it’s important to them. If your spouse wants you to commit to exercising and you really don’t want to do that, then commit to your spouse. That may mean you both walk or exercise. If you love your spouse and want to commit to spending more time with them more than you want to commit to going to the gym, chances are you’ll find the energy and drive to stick with the exercise. If you don’t have a spouse, then find something you can commit to, such as “I’m committed to keeping my job and that involves self-care such as eating healthy and exercising.”

• Avoid committing to anything that violates your personal ethics, boundaries or beliefs. The guilt you’ll feel over the duration will erode or corrupt any gains you may receive from the commitment.

Things to DO when committing to your self-care

• Have a plan and write it down. Read it every morning. It might be something as simple as, “I’m going to get up an hour earlier every morning and work out, or write my book, or meditate, or eat breakfast,” but have a plan and review it every day until you know it in your sleep.

• Set a time frame and commit to the duration of it. E.g., “I’m going to walk for 30 minutes every morning until I lose 25 pounds.”  It doesn’t matter if it’s one day, one week, one month or one year. Pick a time frame and finish out the time.

• Take your head out of the game. Stop rationalizing; stop looking for or considering excuses, quit coming up with reasons to change your mind or your plan. Just commit and go. As Nike says, “Just Do It.”

• Commit to something you want to do, never commit to something someone else wants you to do. If you want to be successful commitment has to come from your desire to do whatever it is for you and your best interests.

• Commit only to things you believe in and that are in keeping with your faith, ethics and boundaries. When things get difficult or challenging our rational mind will find any excuse to quit and quitting over shame, guilt or non-compatible beliefs about the project is one of the first things we consider when deciding whether to quit.

Examine all your options, ethics, consequences and potential conflicts BEFORE you commit. Once you come up to the edge of the cliff you can’t change your mind once you’re in mid-air. Have the same mind-set when committing to take care of yourself and you’ll soon realize that what looked like a leap off the edge of a cliff was really a leap into the updraft that will help you learn to fly.

Welcome!

Join me in making the wellness of our counseling community a top priority!


Each one of us is unique. We have our own vulnerabilities to the work, and our favorite strategies to promote our wellness will vary. To begin the dialogue about wellness, let me share that I LOVE getting a massage, enjoy painting and drumming, receive acupuncture regularly, value the support of my professional colleagues at The Resiliency Center (http://www.theresiliencycenter.com/), love hiking and time outdoors, and cherish the support of friends and family. One of my favorite activities to promote wellness is laughter. Laugher is my medicine. I love spending time laughing with my favorite people in the world. What a joy!

I look forward to hearing from each of you about what challenges your wellness and what practices you've found most helpful in sustaining energy and enthusiasm for the work. Please share your questions, comments, favorite self-care strategies, and stories of healing. Thanks!

Wishing you peace, joy, and resiliency!
Elizabeth