A Cautionary Tale

This week, I heard a disturbing story about another helping professional. I received a call from a woman in the midst of an emotional crisis. She had sought out the services of another counselor first, a licensed therapist in practice for more than 20 years who had earned the respect of other mental health professionals throughout her career. During their third session together, this practitioner “nodded off” three times. When the client courageously confronted this person and asked for an explanation, the therapist acknowledged her tiredness and disclosed that she had been experiencing physical health problems, been in the hospital the previous evening, and had thirteen client appointments that day that she felt unable to cancel. The client had been in pain before and during the session and felt even more isolated and distressed after this experience.  This therapist had prioritized seeing clients over her need for sleep and follow-up health care. Both she and her clients suffered as a result.

When I heard this report, my initial response was one of anger and incredulity. How could a therapist consider scheduling 13 clients in one day? How could a practitioner think it was okay to see clients when so clearly tired, distressed, and impaired? I had trouble wrapping my head around the situation.

But, then I reflected back on my four years as part of the American Counseling Association’s Task Force on Counselor Wellness and Impairment – and what we learned. We are all somewhere along the continuum from well to stressed to distressed to impaired. However, we are not always clear about where we are on that continuum. In a survey of counselors, people were fairly likely to identify a colleague as stressed, distressed, or even impaired; however, they rarely identified themselves as stressed or distressed and outright denied any signs of impairment.  If we are unable to see or acknowledge our distress, we are unlikely to take the steps necessary to nurture ourselves back towards wellness. Our progression along the continuum towards health or illness does not happen in a moment or from one experience, but, rather, gradually over time as a result of our beliefs, our isolation, accumulating stressors, and the lack of support (or receptivity to support) from colleagues, friends, and family who could challenge us to curb potentially destructive patterns of behavior and self-neglect.

Further reflection on this recent discovery about another professional helper has inspired sadness and compassion for this struggling human being, as well as gratitude for the cautionary tale her unaddressed distress (and resulting impairment) provides us. 

Please take excellent care of yourselves. If concerned about a colleague, let them know. Our ability to help others depends on our ability to help ourselves first. 

End it Already - by Becky Blanton

Reposted from Social Work PRN's Blog (follow link above):

I had a good friend and co-worker years and years go who I admired for one thing — his ability to end something quickly. Rodger was 20 years older than me and he had a knack for knowing when something or someone was just going to waste his time, resources or energy, or if they were worth hanging in there with because ultimately they’d come through. To my knowledge, he was never wrong.

Rodger never fretted, worried, weighed pros and cons or tried to rescue anything or anyone. Once he uttered the words “End it already,” we knew he was done with whatever it was he was working with. It didn’t mean the person; place or thing couldn’t be salvaged, only that he had decided it wasn’t worth investing his time, energy or resources on it or them anymore. Rodger did not pursue lost causes, or high demands on his time and energy. He knew what he was willing to invest and what he wasn’t and he wasn’t afraid to say “No.” He knew what he was worth, what his time was worth, and what kind of investment he needed to get on any work he did. He had, as they say, excellent boundaries.

Last week I put in a bid on a job with a new client. He read my proposal, checked my 30 plus testimonials from clients and sent me an email. All my former clients, except one, had rated me a perfect 5.0 score on 25 points of service. The one client in question had given me 24 out of 25 for a 4.9 score on time. I had delivered the job two days early, so it was an error they made when registering the score, but the job service won’t allow you make changes, so it stuck. It was the one imperfection, although not a true imperfection on my perfect record. He said, “Boy, that must have cranked you off.”

In my head I could hear Rodger saying, “End it already,” and telling me to walk away. But I didn’t. For the next 3 hours we exchanged 2-3 emails an hour while I answered questions, offered advice, tried to reassure and help him find solutions while I encouraged him to make a decision on his project. “We’re 90% sure it’s going to be you,” he said. “But we’re still looking at other proposals.” Eventually I looked at the clock and at the dozens of non-committal emails and the man’s demands and complaining and I ended it. It was decent money, but I was over it already. I kicked myself for not stopping sooner.

Looking back, I recognized a lot of signs, things Rodger would have noticed immediately — things that he would have said, “End it already” to. If you tend to be someone who has trouble “falling in holes,” (http://www.inspirationline.com/rss/10OCT2005.htm ) here’s a checklist for spotting trouble before it gets its hooks in you:

Pay attention to the first remarks, the first conversation and first impressions. If you’re in a job interview, at a party, on a first date, meeting a client for the first time how you’re treated is as good as it gets. My first clue was this client’s first, and unusual comment about how something very tiny “must have cranked me off.” He focused immediately on what he saw as a fault. Considering that dozens of other people had given me perfect scores and everyone had high praise, he came across as supercritical and focused on the negative. He said nothing about the positive remarks and rave reviews. Clue one.

Notice if your boundaries and value are respected. I established a time frame and said, “If you can make a decision on this and hire me by this time, I can do this job by your deadline.” The client blew off my concerns with time, but kept insisting on quality on a rush job, while expecting a lower price. Clue two.

Listen carefully and trust your gut. Does the other person hear your questions and concerns, or are they focused only on their needs? Does it FEEL good to you when you think of proceeding, or do you feel a bigger rush if you imagine yourself saying “No.”? I definitely felt relief when I imagined withdrawing my bid and I was right. I felt immediate peace the instant I hit “Send” on the withdraw button. Clue three.

Notice if the price changes. This doesn’t mean the financial price — but the time, energy and resource price. Is the person changing the rules and terms of the agreement without checking with you first? When the client doubled the scope of the project without asking if that was doable first. He was focused only on getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. Once he extended the scope to something beyond what I was willing to commit to, I withdrew. Clue four.

Cut your losses. Studies show that the more we invest in a project or person, the more likely we are to keep investing in them rather than cut our losses and run. Determine ahead of time when you will pull the plug and “end it already.” For me it was a set amount of emails and time invested without a firm commitment. I am willing to be helpful, but beyond a certain point my help becomes billable. Without a commitment to a contract I cut my losses. Clue five

Define your deal breaker. Deal breakers are the things we’re not willing to compromise on when we buy something, agree to something or get involved in something. A deal breaker for many of us is abuse of any kind. Others will tolerate occasional verbal abuse, but not physical abuse. Any abuse is a deal breaker for me. That includes over the top comments, sneers and responses to a civil email. Clue six.

More than the peace of withdrawing a bid (the first time I’ve ever done that ever) was the relief I felt at realizing that I could end it already, and will do so again should the need arise. You don’t have to please everyone and just because you start down a dead-end road doesn’t mean you have to hit the cul-de-sac before you turn around. Learn to “end it already.” There’s a difference between changing your mind and giving up. You don’t win gold stars for finishing if all you succeed in doing is beating yourself up, violating your boundaries and feeling bad about finishing when you wanted to walk away. To every thing is a season, and when it’s time to end it, it’s time to end it. Walk away. There are some things that can’t be salvaged and some things that shouldn’t be salvaged. Either way, the solution is the same. Cut your losses and leave.

Reap What You Sow and How You Sow - Republished from Social Work PRN

Reap What You Sow and How You Sow

by BECKY BLANTON on AUGUST 11, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

Soil, it appears, is no respecter of seeds. Good soil will grow whatever is planted in it – be it weeds, tomatoes or grass. It’s not really particular about how the seed gets there either. It can blow in, be dropped on the surface, planted, and transplanted or root from a vine that creeps down from a planter. Soil has one job – to provide nutrients to what is sown.

It’s a lot like the human brain that way. Whatever thoughts, bias, beliefs, words or concepts are blown or sown into our awareness, through books, movies, video games, conversations or friends – the brain will nurture those things, grow them and make sure we reap what we have sown – for good or bad.

By consistently weeding my garden this summer I’ve kept the plants I didn’t want – the crabgrass, clover and whatever – out, and allowed the plants I did want, tomatoes, squash, peppers and herbs, to flourish – at least until the squash bugs invaded.

Sowing and reaping has become a metaphor for me in other ways. I’ve watched my fears; my doubts, my confidence and my habits grow just as easily as my garden has. What I’ve learned of course is that the old clichés are true – what you water grows, pluck out the bad or undesirable thoughts before they have a chance to grow and so on. But I learned something else I did not know:

What vegetables you plant next to each other impacts how each plant grows. By planting basil next to my tomatoes for instance, I inadvertently helped both plants grow bigger and stronger and increase the flavor of both plants!

The pungent odor of marigolds keeps certain diseases and bugs off of tomato plants.

I learned that I shouldn’t plant fennel next to tomatoes because it inhibits their growth – which is true in the corner where I planted one tomato plant next to fennel. It is the smallest plant in the garden.

There are dozens of combinations of plants you should or should not plant next to each other. Some combinations include providing shade for a plant at a critical growth stage; others involve plants that compete for the same nutrients versus plants that give back beneficial nutrients.

It’s all very fascinating and complex to me, a new gardener. But it occurred to me that by combining certain habits and thoughts in my life I can also inhibit or support the thoughts and habits I’m planting. By combining exercise and breakfast, working out early instead of waiting until my sleepy afternoon energy lull, my exercising has gone so much better because it’s actually easier to go in the morning and nap later rather than sleep in.

By making the phone calls and doing the things I don’t enjoy doing after I eat lunch instead of on an empty stomach, I’m less likely to be grouchy and impatient and more likely to be calm and relaxed. Those are the obvious things. But when I made the connection around environment, energy, mood, habits and other things I realized that by grouping certain things with other things (no matter how bizarre it may seem to other people) I can get more done with less effort.

If you’ve been in the profession any amount of time you know that who you schedule as your first or last appointment can set the tone for your day, or for your evening.  Not many LCSW want to come back from lunch to their most non-stimulating client of the day if they tend to be sleepy after lunch.

If client placement in your day is so important to conserving energy and attention, what about the rest of your life? Do you really think about how you group things like dinner? Paperwork? Meetings? Exercise? Self-care? Vacations? Dating or time with your spouse?

Married friends of mine have a regular “date night” once a week so they can get away from the kids for a few hours. The dates had been mostly stressful and filled with talk of the kids and non-romantic things and not going very well. They even talked of stopping the practice. Then their work schedules one month forced them to change date night to a Wednesday night instead of the usual Friday night. What they found was they were less stressed in the middle of the week and had more energy. Date night became fun!

They realized that by going out on a Wednesday instead of a Friday they weren’t thinking of the next day and all the soccer games, kid’s sleepovers, laundry, cleaning and chores they had to do over the weekend. They could relax and enjoy each other’s company, knowing all they had the next day was work. The restaurants they liked were less crowded, almost empty, as were the theatres and other places they typically visited on a Friday night. The trade-off was they were up later on a work night, but realized they slept better with a mid-week break so the change worked.

The added bonus was that instead of date night with each other, Friday nights became date night with the kids, enabling them to spend time with their children watching DVDs, eating pizza, playing games and just hanging out before they all went in six different directions the next day – a Saturday.

You’re going to reap what you sow, so why not plant your life in a way that what you reap is the best it can be?

Self-Care is Not Self-Pampering: Republished from Social Work PRN

Self-Care is Not Self-Pampering

Posted: 22 Jul 2011 03:00 AM PDT

Ask anyone what they do for “self-care” and their answers are more likely to sound like “self-pampering” or “self-indulgence,” such as:
“I take a hot bubble-bath. I treat myself to a meal in a nice restaurant or some new shoes. I get a pedicure or a manicure. I get a massage. I have a pizza or drinks with friends when I’m stressed. I do something nice for myself as often as I can afford it.”
Pampering and self-indulgence are fine if you can afford them, but they’re not the things you do to ensure self-care that meets your needs for physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health.
Self-care is personal health maintenance – in other words, it’s anything that restores, improves, maintains, treats or prevents disease. It’s what we do to balance the stressors and demands of our life in a way that benefits our emotional, physical and mental health.
Self-care includes meeting our needs for:

• Physical fitness and exercise and overall health
• Nutrition and medical care, adequate supplements, medicine and treatments
• Hygiene – including a healthy home and work environment and surroundings
• Sleep and relaxation
• Spiritual needs, emotional and mental health needs
• Life Skills such as communication, relationships, assertiveness, boundary setting.

If you’ve felt frustrated after pampering and indulging yourself and still not feeling complete or healthy – chances are that misunderstanding the role of self-care and why we need it is part of the problem.
If you have a client who is unable to find or hold down a job, sustain a healthy and safe relationship, eat healthy foods, give up alcohol, drugs and compulsive behaviors, take responsibility for themselves or their lives, money, health or personal safety, you’re not likely to tell them to “take a bubble bath,” or “buy yourself something nice,” until their most basic self-care needs have been met first.
Self-care for yourself is no different. Social workers who don’t have life skills such as critical decision making, communication, boundary setting, financial literacy, cognitive restructuring, self-soothing, anger management and even parenting skills aren’t going to improve their lives with a manicure, a weekend at the beach or a bubble bath. Those things might distract us from the lack of life skills, or fitness, or spiritual needs – but they won’t meet those needs.
Self-care includes all the health decisions you need to make for yourself in order to get and stay physically and mentally fit. If you’re feeling stressed, burned out, fatigued, exhausted, angry, depressed or anxious some self-pampering might help, but it won’t heal. Self-care is giving yourself the gift of wellness.  Putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s smart. Nurturing yourself and making sure you are 100% fit ensures you’ll be around for a long time to take care of all the people in your life you love and are responsible for. If you can’t evaluate yourself, then find a medical or mental health professional that can.

Risking Vulnerability

In July, The Resiliency Center hosted the second half of the EMDR Basic Training with trainer Barb Maiberger (from Boulder, Colorado) and twelve dedicated and caring clinicians. As a Certified EMDR therapist, I was honored to participate in the training as a consultant and to offer support and guidance to the therapists learning this new modality.  Over these three days, I felt inspired by the courage I witnessed in our practitioner community. A large part of the EMDR training is experiential, as therapists authentically engage from the roles of both counselor and client. Bearing witness to the risks taken by the community of clinicians in the EMDR training was deeply gratifying, as I saw tremendous openness, compassion, and health among this amazing group of practitioners.

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is rarely easy. While we may know intellectually that all people have old hurts and unprocessed “stuff,” we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that, as practitioners, we should somehow be immune from the effects of our past experiences or have already worked through all of them. In reality, personal and professional growth is a lifelong endeavor, and our old wounds may surface time and again for deeper healing. Prioritizing time to do our own work is a key component of what keeps us well and thriving in our work – and in our lives. I know that my ability to be fully attuned and skillful as a counselor and consultant depends upon my own active process of healing and growth. I love engaging in this process. I love experiential trainings as well as acupuncture, massage, laughter yoga, journal writing, meditating, painting, and participating in a women’s group. I also love dialoguing with other professionals about their wellness practices. If you haven’t already responded to any of the posts on this blog, please do. I’d love to hear from each of you about how you keep yourself healthy. In what ways do you insure that you are keeping your instrument tuned?

Super Powers - Republished from Social Work PRN

Human Being’s One Super Power

by BECKY BLANTON on JULY 20, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

Superman had lots of powers, but he was most often referred to as “The man of steel.” Other superheroes have their own power – usually one unique power that sets them apart from other superheroes. It’s what defines them and gives them control over their environment. Must be nice eh?

The fact is human beings have a super power. It’s the same super power – the power of choice, but it’s incredibly empowering once you learn how to use it. The thing is, very few of us use our power and even more of us complain that we have no power at all.

All seven of the reasons I gave earlier this month about why so many of us fail at self-care (self included), revolve around our one failure to exercise the power of choice, or our failure to focus on the things we can control, not the things we can’t.

We all have the power to choose to stay, or go, or do, or not do something. We say, “I hate my job but I have to work.” No, you don’t have to work. You choose to work because you don’t like the consequences of not working. It’s still a choice.  When you invest your power of choice in the areas, relationships and decisions where you have control (your choices), you tap into your superpower.

“I can’t afford to go back to school, buy a new car, or move into another apartment or house.”  If you believe this, talk to Dave Ramsey. Ramsey has thousands upon thousands of examples of people who believed the same thing, and then turned around and paid off thousands of dollars in debt and then went back to school, bought new cars and paid off mortgages.

Social workers and those in various healing professions make the mistake of trying to change the things they cannot control – such as another person’s decisions, lifestyle or behavior. When they do that they give their power away, or negate it. If you remember your superhero lore Superman was susceptible to only one thing – Kryptonite. Kryptonite not only robbed Superman of his superhuman powers – it gave them to humans around him! Attempting to change the things you cannot change is Kryptonite to our power of choice. Not only does it rob us of our power, it hands that power over to the very people we’re trying to control!

SUMMARY:

The only power you have is choice in areas of your life that you control – namely anything to do with you. Choices have consequences. When you make a choice you choose the consequences that accompany that choice.

You don’t have to work at a job you hate. You are free to quit. The consequences of quitting may mean less money or no money, or a choice about pursuing a different job or career, but it’s still YOUR choice. It’s not that you “can’t choose to quit your job.” You’re choosing to stay in a job you hate and that makes you miserable rather than to quit and have no income or security. It’s still a choice. When you start seeing choices as a conscious decision among consequences your life will change dramatically. You will be empowered.

You can choose what to think about, what to read, what to think, what to focus on. You can choose in any arena in which you have control – namely, you only control yourself, not anyone or anything else. You can vote and choose whom to vote for, but you can’t control who wins the election.

You can choose to stop eating or buying or cooking unhealthy food, but you can’t control what other adults choose to do with their choice of food any more than you’d want them choosing what to do with yours.

You can choose to set and enforce boundaries related to your job, your family, your work and your relationships and clients. You can choose how to think, and thus how to feel, about a situation or relationship in your life.

Choice is scary. There’s no doubt about it. Too many of us prefer to live in a world where we believe decisions and choices are forced upon us. We find it easier or even comforting to believe that it’s better for others to make those decisions for us. You can do that. It’s your choice. So look at the consequences of it.

Choosing to abdicate your ability to choose means deciding to live a life of learned helplessness and lack of control over the things you can control if they are contrary to the boss, spouse or person you’ve handed your control to. Do you really trust other people so much that you know they’ll make the right choice for you?

Choosing not to abdicate your ability to choose means living a life where you make all the decisions about the things you can control. You choose between or among alternatives based on what you need, want, like or dislike. You’re free to include or not include the opinions and suggestions of others. After all – it’s totally your choice.

Which will it be? Isn’t it about time you owned your superpower?

Committing to Self-Care by Becky Blanton (Social Work PRN reposting)

Committing to Self Care

by BECKY BLANTON on JULY 7, 2011 · 0 COMMENTS

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” – Anne Morriss

Get lots of sleep. Eat healthy. Go to the gym. Treat yourself to a night out. Keep up with a regular support group. Do you know what all these things have in common? They’re impossible to do if you don’t make YOU a priority. And if you can’t set boundaries, say “No,” to people, including your family, friends and boss, then chances are you aren’t going to be able to do any of these things regularly enough to make a difference.

You’re a candle flaming out on both ends and an inferno waiting to catch fire and burn the house (or your life) down.

If you’re serious about self-care the first thing you’ll evaluate is your ability to make you the number one priority in your life. Unless you’re committed to yourself, no one else will be. Why should they be? If you aren’t important enough to you to take care of you, why should anyone else care?

Back in college I had a friend who was a runner. Every morning, or every day, rain, shine, freezing sleet, hail or snow she ran five to ten miles. It didn’t matter if a group of us went on vacation, or she was in some strange city for a job interview, she ran.  When she partied until 3 a.m. and came home drunk, she still got up at noon and ran, whether she had a hangover or not. We all tried to everything we could to dissuade her from her routine and couldn’t. In the 20 years I’ve known her the only thing that kept her from the treadmill or the road was a physically disabling injury that prevented her from walking or running. And then she swam.

That’s dedication. She wasn’t an Olympic athlete. She didn’t compete outside of the occasional local road race. She was just devoted to her running. I never understood that until this week. I was expecting friends from out-of-town. They were having car problems and weren’t sure when they’d be in. I gave them the address of the gym and told them if I wasn’t home they could find me there – that I didn’t take my cell phone to the gym. I not only didn’t change or rearrange my schedule to be there for them, I never even considered not going to the gym – even if it inconvenienced them. That’s a huge step for me – queen of the co-dependents – to take.

Oddly enough, the decision to commit to my own health came in one fell swoop, with an off-the cuff remark from my trainer. I came in to a session one morning talking about all the objections I had to overcome every morning in order to show up to work out. She listened patiently then shrugged.

“You just haven’t made yourself a priority yet,” was all she said. She didn’t need or want excuses. They were just flags that kept me from facing the reality of what was going on. I hadn’t made myself or the gym, a priority. After thinking about it over the weekend however I decided that no matter what, come hell or high water, I would be at the gym every day at 6 a.m. I committed to making myself, my health and well-being, a priority.

I quit focusing on the reasons I didn’t want to go (tired, sleepy, sore, too much work) and focused on one thing – that I had committed to be there no matter what. Then I went. If I was tired, behind schedule, on deadline, sick, sore, distracted – I went. Once I was there the thing I thought might keep me from being there disappeared. In about six weeks I discovered a really strange change. I couldn’t NOT go to the gym. Now when something appears to try and dissuade me from my workouts I get antsy, anxious, irritable, even angry. Maybe it’s the endorphin addiction. Or maybe I’ve just discovered how good it feels to take care of me and I don’t want to lose that.  But I believe it’s just a demonstration of the power of commitment.

Three months ago I committed to never going to bed without my kitchen sink being empty, clean and all the dishes put away. Now it’s a habit. I committed to eating breakfast (I’ve NEVER been a breakfast eater), and now I never miss a morning. The secret is not so much in finding reasons to do it as much as it is in simply deciding to do it. A reason is nice, but it can make it easier for your rationale mind to talk you out of your decision.

Things to AVOID when committing to self-care

• Avoid hedging your bets. As Yoda, the Jedi Master in Star Wars says, “Do or not do. There is no try.” Hedging your bets is not committing. You can’t be “a little bit pregnant.” Think of breakfast – the chicken (eggs) is hedging their bets; the pig (bacon) is committed.

• Avoid saying, “I’ll try it.” That’s a different version of hedging your bets. If you want to limit your commitment, then set a date. “I’ll commit to one week of walking 20 minutes a day. I’ll commit to six months. I’ll commit to 12 sessions.” Just commit and stick with it. Remind yourself you only committed to it for set amount of time. Alcoholics say, “One day at a time.” If that’s all you can commit to, then commit to one day, one hour or one minute at a time.

• Avoid considering other options. Don’t say, “Well, I’ll take this job, but I’m going to keep looking.” Commit to the one job for a period of time and say, “I’ll commit to this job for six months, or a year and if it doesn’t work out after I put everything into it, I’ll start looking for another job.” Then commit to a date that you’ll find another job or quit by. I guarantee it will definitely drive your hunting if you commit to quitting by a certain date, job or not.

• Avoid committing to self-care simply because your boss or spouse wants you to do it, or because it’s important to them. If your spouse wants you to commit to exercising and you really don’t want to do that, then commit to your spouse. That may mean you both walk or exercise. If you love your spouse and want to commit to spending more time with them more than you want to commit to going to the gym, chances are you’ll find the energy and drive to stick with the exercise. If you don’t have a spouse, then find something you can commit to, such as “I’m committed to keeping my job and that involves self-care such as eating healthy and exercising.”

• Avoid committing to anything that violates your personal ethics, boundaries or beliefs. The guilt you’ll feel over the duration will erode or corrupt any gains you may receive from the commitment.

Things to DO when committing to your self-care

• Have a plan and write it down. Read it every morning. It might be something as simple as, “I’m going to get up an hour earlier every morning and work out, or write my book, or meditate, or eat breakfast,” but have a plan and review it every day until you know it in your sleep.

• Set a time frame and commit to the duration of it. E.g., “I’m going to walk for 30 minutes every morning until I lose 25 pounds.”  It doesn’t matter if it’s one day, one week, one month or one year. Pick a time frame and finish out the time.

• Take your head out of the game. Stop rationalizing; stop looking for or considering excuses, quit coming up with reasons to change your mind or your plan. Just commit and go. As Nike says, “Just Do It.”

• Commit to something you want to do, never commit to something someone else wants you to do. If you want to be successful commitment has to come from your desire to do whatever it is for you and your best interests.

• Commit only to things you believe in and that are in keeping with your faith, ethics and boundaries. When things get difficult or challenging our rational mind will find any excuse to quit and quitting over shame, guilt or non-compatible beliefs about the project is one of the first things we consider when deciding whether to quit.

Examine all your options, ethics, consequences and potential conflicts BEFORE you commit. Once you come up to the edge of the cliff you can’t change your mind once you’re in mid-air. Have the same mind-set when committing to take care of yourself and you’ll soon realize that what looked like a leap off the edge of a cliff was really a leap into the updraft that will help you learn to fly.

Cat Wisdom: It’s Always a Good Time to Play or Take a Nap

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the stream of tasks we “must do” that we neglect the principles of living a good life that our feline friends know quite well. My two cats Lucy and Zoe teach me a lot about how to stay well. Some of my favorite kitty lessons include:

•          You can never take too many naps.
•          Naps spent snuggling with people or animals you love are the best.
•          Play is essential.
•         Although running around and jumping through the air can happen in the midst of play and get your heart beating fast, play is NOT a chore (because cats don’t do chores or know that “exercise is good for you”). Instead, play is a joyous adventure.
•         It is almost always a good time to play, and even when you aren’t in the mood to play, it’s still fun to watch people and see the silly stuff they do to try to get your attention.
•         When someone comes home and you haven’t seen them in a while, run to the door and greet them to let them know how much you missed them.
•         If you want something, ask for it. If you don’t get it, keep asking. If that doesn’t work, find creative ways to get the person’s attention until they DO give you what you want.
•          Never underestimate the power of being sweet and adorable on the behaviors of others.
•         When you’re with someone you love, there is nothing else you need to do and nowhere else you need to go.
•         Nothing is so stressful that play, a nap with a loved one, or a good meal can’t fix it.

What have the animals in your life taught you about life?

When to shovel and when to hire a teenager to do it

I just finished shoveling my driveway and sidewalk and cleaning off my car. As I sit down inside to rest my body and dry off from the freezing rain that has plastered my hair to my skull, I wonder, “Was shoveling the best use of my time this afternoon?”

Now I’ll admit that there are many measures for determining “best use,” and no two people will reach the same conclusion for any given thing. In looking at this particular choice, I can consider time (an hour that could have been spent doing something else), money saved (I did it myself rather than paying someone), the potentially beneficial exercise I gained by shoveling (I say potentially because my I suspect my “form” was off and, while my heart got a good workout, I insulted my back), and the prediction that we will be getting another 4 to 10 inches later tonight so the whole thing will likely need to be done again. While it is true that I got some exercise and that, if I need to run to the emergency room in a hurry, I now can, I suspect I could have done something else more enjoyable, productive, or soul-uplifting with that hour. Yoga, talking with a friend, meditating, finalizing program details for an upcoming workshop, even taking a nap – these may have all been better ideas. So why did I do it?

As awake and enlightened as I aspire to be, the truth is that I am as perfectly flawed as the next person and vulnerable to the same irrational rationalizations. I looked out the window and saw that my neighbors' driveways were already clear. I looked on Facebook and read posts from friends busy shoveling.  Although I had already decided to hire a teenager to shovel me out in the morning – after all the snow eventually falls – I allowed myself to be swayed in what I perceived to be the court of public opinion. If everyone else got out there in the snow to work, I “should” get out there too.

Maybe not. Maybe next time I can make a different choice and refrain from listening to whatever “should” is trying to catch me under its spell.  I can give myself permission to do exactly what feels right for me in that moment, choosing to relax and enjoy the day or to shovel as feels right, and trusting that the plan I have to practice good self-care is absolutely the right plan for me.  

So, what now?  That hour is over, and I’ve already embarked on a new one – chuckling about the whole thing, suggesting to myself that I’ll call a friend next time, and feeling gratitude that this silly situation inspired me to write this blog.  

Celebrating Personal Milestones

Yesterday, I had the great privilege of hosting a dinner party for a dear friend who wanted to celebrate her ten-year anniversary of being mania-free.  Having struggled with Bipolar Disorder throughout her adult life, this was a significant milestone, and we were thrilled to applaud it. We gathered as a community of friends, shared delicious food, and made toasts to honor her and the mindful care she has given to her health and wellbeing over these years. A truly gracious, humble, and amazingly resilient woman, my friend made a point of recognizing all of us – her circle of friends – for our presence and support in her life over these past ten years. She reminded us of the importance of community and the power of friendship to sustain us during even the darkest hours.

One of my friend’s greatest gifts is her ability to laugh at the absurdities in life, and we enjoyed doing just that during our fun evening together. She can talk about her mania with humor and perspective now, and we all marvel at how incredibly healthy she is today in contrast, knowing full well that her steadfast dedication to her wellness has created that reality. Witnessing her mindful attention and devoted care to the stabilization of her illness over the years, I have been awed and inspired. What a phenomenal model for resiliency!

I absolutely love that she set aside an evening to honor this important milestone. How often do we allow our personal victories to go unnoticed, perhaps dismissing them as not important enough to merit recognition?  How many opportunities have we missed to celebrate our own achievements and experiences of overcoming? Often, we are simply grateful that the hardest times are no longer upon us and want to move on – before really honoring our strength, resiliency, resourcefulness, and the support in our lives that made the transformation possible.  What if we were to change that and begin honoring our milestones? How might our lives be enriched? 

Why is it important that counselors take care of themselves?

Everyone deserves good care, and counselors are included in that “everyone.” We are entitled to the same riches of health, joy, peace, connection, and opportunity that we wish for our clients and the communities we serve.

Additionally, counseling is a profession dependent upon our ability to be authentic and attune empathically, as it is through this process of careful attunement that healing and growth occur. Research consistently demonstrates that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is more predictive of counseling outcome than any other factor. Since the self of the counselor is an essential component of effective counseling, it is vital that we nourish our own wellness. When we are well, we are better able to connect with our clients, more attentive and creative in our work, and less likely to make clinical errors or violate boundaries. We are instruments of healing. If we don’t keep our own instrument tuned, we won’t be useful in promoting wellness in others. The airplane metaphor holds true here: If we don’t put our own oxygen masks on first, we won’t be able to care for anyone else.

We also serve as role models for our clients. We, therefore, need to be aware of the messages we teach clients when we honor boundaries or neglect to set them, when we take a day off to nurture our health or come into work sick, or when we model joy and curiosity or unintentionally share the flat affect of our unresolved grief or depression. Take excellent care of yourself! When you do, you contribute exponentially to the joy in the world!