Honoring Agitation

I woke up agitated today. I was not sure exactly why I felt so irritated or what I could do to lessen the feeling. What did become increasingly clear as the day went on was that pushing myself to do tasks I found unpleasant was making me feel worse.

I enjoyed a productive day of home organizing on Friday followed by two fun days with friends and family over the holiday weekend. I had plans to be productive again today and tackle some projects I felt were long overdue. However, my body, mind, and spirit had another agenda.  The more I pushed, the more restless and distracted I felt. It was like an internal game of tug of war.

Finally, I surrendered. Taking some time to sit, breathe, move, tone, and notice what I was feeling – to dive into my experience more fully rather than trying to distract myself from it or avoid it – I found a way through the agitation. Listening, I found that my voice wanted an outlet for this tension – and I toned and screamed and enjoyed the release. My body was also begging for more water in this heat – and rest.  My soul craved some spiritual reading and quiet. While I had ambitious plans today for more home organization and cleaning as well as doing some work on my business, my body overrode my mind’s desires and screamed, “NO!” The agitation was a call to listen.

When I slow down to honor that internal “static” when it appears – in agitation or distraction or sluggishness – I always learn something and feel better. It reminds me of that funny one-liner I have heard many times: “When you’re going through hell, remember to keep going.” You don’t want to get stuck in it, do you? While sometimes pushing through seems like the best strategy to “keep going,” often slowing down and really listening to ourselves and how we feel and what we need is more effective.

Time to "Do Nothing"

How often do we allow ourselves time to “do nothing”? When do you carve out space in your hurried schedule to sit or walk or reflect or play, without an agenda or an intended outcome? Regular practices of meditation or yoga or journaling – or even naps – are wonderful opportunities for rest, self-care, and self-reflection. In addition to these, I wonder about experiences of spontaneity, the choice to cast aside our routines and tasks lists and follow the whispers for whimsy in our everyday lives. When do you give yourself time – in your own home, in nature, on vacation, in a neighboring city, in the mind and soul of your creative impulse – to follow a random trail of your thoughts, feelings, and impulses and simply see what happens?  How often do you drive right off the map into unchartered territory for no reason whatsoever – except that you feel like it?

For me, I realize I don’t intentionally devote nearly as much time to this spontaneous experiencing as my heart desires. I remember, as a child growing up, how expansive time seemed. It seemed there were endless possibilities for play and adventure, limited only by the sun rising and falling in the sky and the occasional steady rain that drove us indoors.  I remember fondly how we would play detective games in which everything we noticed was another clue revealing itself, moving us a step closer to solving the mystery at hand.

Today, I continue to embrace a sense of mystery, continue to find people and nature and the universe endlessly fascinating.  I cherish those moments during which I allow myself to step out from behind the driver’s seat and to look for “clues” to the questions that excite and haunt me.  I love noticing numbers – and looking up what significance they may have. When an animal or bird catches my attention (e.g. spotting a red fox or a skunk in my yard or seeing Canadian Geese on my drive into work), I enjoy reading about possible symbolism, exploring the idea of animals as messengers along my journey.  Sometimes I embrace the random in even simpler ways, such as setting my ipod to “shuffle” and letting the music lead me where it may.

Nothing enchants me like the promise of entire day without anything planned. When people ask me, “What are your plans for the weekend?” and I respond with “Nothing,” they may notice my smile and the twinkle in my eye.  I love that “nothing” can become anything at all. Instead of accepting societal biases that label down time as unessential or doing “nothing,” I wonder if, instead, the time we devote to “nothing” may actually be the very zest of life.  

Holding Hands

Lately, more and more, I have been nourishing myself by reading Hafiz and Rumi. Today, I opened "The Gift" by Hafiz to a random page, and the poem, "A Great Need" stared back at me with a wink and a smile. The poem encourages us to hold hands as we climb, stating that "The terrain around here is far too dangerous" to consider not holding hands, not loving, not being connected to others along the journey. What a true statement!

In our society which prides itself so much on the value of rugged individualism, we can sometimes put undue pressure on ourselves to go the rough patches alone. I remind myself that no one person really ever does anything alone. We need other people alongside us on the path. To listen to our stories and to share their stories with us. To give us a hug or a place to sleep or a mug of tea or a piece of sage advice when we need comfort and sustenance.

We learn so much from the world around us and are shaped and influenced by the people in our lives and the experiences we have had. Can anyone really say that they have achieved great things on their own? We are continuously learning from others and drawing inspiration from known and unknown sources. The interconnectedness among all people is a source of great richness. By tapping into the vast wisdom of those around us, those that have come before us, and all beings in the natural world where we live, our lives can be enriched in poignant and unforeseen ways.

As a counselor, I have noticed that my best work often comes when I allow myself to deeply surrender to the moment, to the experience of not knowing, and be present for whatever arises. My work with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has demonstrated this to me dramatically. EMDR facilitates the mind's natural healing processes, allowing people to work through trauma and blocks in their current lives - towards healing, inner harmony, and joy. In the midst of this process, people share the most profound, spiritual insights. Experiences of divine love (a felt sense of being deeply loved and intrinsically lovable) naturally emerge through metaphor and memories within the process of EMDR. Witnessing the sweetness of love unfolding is a true gift - and reminds me time and again of our interconnectedness. My role is to offer genuine caring, share my unyielding faith in the power for positive transformation, and be present in the moment as it unfolds.

We have within us a "Great Need" as Hafiz suggests. A need for community and connection. And a need for being seen, accepted, and loved. Walking together, holding hands, we can navigate any terrain. Today, I wish you fellow travelers along your journey - and the courage to extend your hand. Extend it not only as an offering of support to others but as a gift to yourself to be received in kind.

Welcoming Prosperity, Welcoming Love

In preparing for the next series of practice-building workshops I’ll be offering this Spring, I found myself reflecting on the topic of prosperity and the internal blocks that so many skilled healthcare professionals encounter as they start, shift, expand, and grow their practices. Working individually and in groups with practitioners, I hear a wide array of inner block experiences, and several themes emerge. They include fears about scarcity and competition, guilt and confusion about whether or not it is okay to earn a comfortable living as a healer, and worries about whether it is possible to be prosperous doing work one truly LOVES.  While there are always practical considerations in growing a practice (location, startup costs, defining your specific niche, etc.), these details are rarely the places where people get stuck. Instead, the deepest blocks typically present as a crisis of faith. Here, faith can refer to faith in oneself, one’s skills, and one’s unique way of helping. It can also be understood as faith in God, the Universe, or one’s personal sense of spirituality or meaning. Those in private practice need faith that when they offer their heart, skills, and deepest passion, the world will support and receive them well. When we step forward out of fear, instead of love, we may move tentatively, creating only half of the life we envision or trusting our heads more than our hearts and designing a practice that “makes sense” but leaves us feeling bored, drained, uninspired, or burned out. Or, when listening to fear, we may not move at all.

Reflecting on this topic as I sat outside enjoying this warm Sunday, some words from the Sufi poet Hafiz came to mind. Hafiz challenges us to surrender to love, to see the divine in ourselves, and to engage our sense of play through dance, song, and laughter. Two poems in particular were moving through my mind as I enjoyed the flowering trees, sunshine, and light breeze today. The first was “The Sun in Drag” in which Hafiz writes:

You are the Sun in drag. You are God hiding from yourself. . . .

The appearance of this world is a Magi’s brilliant trick, though its affairs are nothing into nothing. You are a divine elephant with amnesia trying to live in an ant hole. . . . You are God in Drag!

The second is “Now is the Time” which concludes with these lines:

What is it in that sweet voice inside that incites you to fear? . . . .  This is the time for you to deeply compute the impossibility that there is anything but Grace.

Now is the season to know that everything you do is sacred.

Inspiration is important for our sustenance as healers, and both of these poems inspire me to remember my personal sense of meaning in this work and in this world.  For me, my best work is not solely of me but rather moves through me.  Yes, I have specific training, an advanced degree, and much learned wisdom. However, when I am most in the “flow” in my work, I am more than my training. I am intuitively connected to the person with whom I am sitting, and I am doing work I truly LOVE and that empowers, fascinates, and energizes both of us.  I believe that whenever we are clear with our passion and our path, prosperity follows. Faith doesn’t preclude the necessity for hard work; instead, faith makes the hard work and perseverance possible.

End it Already - by Becky Blanton

Reposted from Social Work PRN's Blog (follow link above):

I had a good friend and co-worker years and years go who I admired for one thing — his ability to end something quickly. Rodger was 20 years older than me and he had a knack for knowing when something or someone was just going to waste his time, resources or energy, or if they were worth hanging in there with because ultimately they’d come through. To my knowledge, he was never wrong.

Rodger never fretted, worried, weighed pros and cons or tried to rescue anything or anyone. Once he uttered the words “End it already,” we knew he was done with whatever it was he was working with. It didn’t mean the person; place or thing couldn’t be salvaged, only that he had decided it wasn’t worth investing his time, energy or resources on it or them anymore. Rodger did not pursue lost causes, or high demands on his time and energy. He knew what he was willing to invest and what he wasn’t and he wasn’t afraid to say “No.” He knew what he was worth, what his time was worth, and what kind of investment he needed to get on any work he did. He had, as they say, excellent boundaries.

Last week I put in a bid on a job with a new client. He read my proposal, checked my 30 plus testimonials from clients and sent me an email. All my former clients, except one, had rated me a perfect 5.0 score on 25 points of service. The one client in question had given me 24 out of 25 for a 4.9 score on time. I had delivered the job two days early, so it was an error they made when registering the score, but the job service won’t allow you make changes, so it stuck. It was the one imperfection, although not a true imperfection on my perfect record. He said, “Boy, that must have cranked you off.”

In my head I could hear Rodger saying, “End it already,” and telling me to walk away. But I didn’t. For the next 3 hours we exchanged 2-3 emails an hour while I answered questions, offered advice, tried to reassure and help him find solutions while I encouraged him to make a decision on his project. “We’re 90% sure it’s going to be you,” he said. “But we’re still looking at other proposals.” Eventually I looked at the clock and at the dozens of non-committal emails and the man’s demands and complaining and I ended it. It was decent money, but I was over it already. I kicked myself for not stopping sooner.

Looking back, I recognized a lot of signs, things Rodger would have noticed immediately — things that he would have said, “End it already” to. If you tend to be someone who has trouble “falling in holes,” (http://www.inspirationline.com/rss/10OCT2005.htm ) here’s a checklist for spotting trouble before it gets its hooks in you:

Pay attention to the first remarks, the first conversation and first impressions. If you’re in a job interview, at a party, on a first date, meeting a client for the first time how you’re treated is as good as it gets. My first clue was this client’s first, and unusual comment about how something very tiny “must have cranked me off.” He focused immediately on what he saw as a fault. Considering that dozens of other people had given me perfect scores and everyone had high praise, he came across as supercritical and focused on the negative. He said nothing about the positive remarks and rave reviews. Clue one.

Notice if your boundaries and value are respected. I established a time frame and said, “If you can make a decision on this and hire me by this time, I can do this job by your deadline.” The client blew off my concerns with time, but kept insisting on quality on a rush job, while expecting a lower price. Clue two.

Listen carefully and trust your gut. Does the other person hear your questions and concerns, or are they focused only on their needs? Does it FEEL good to you when you think of proceeding, or do you feel a bigger rush if you imagine yourself saying “No.”? I definitely felt relief when I imagined withdrawing my bid and I was right. I felt immediate peace the instant I hit “Send” on the withdraw button. Clue three.

Notice if the price changes. This doesn’t mean the financial price — but the time, energy and resource price. Is the person changing the rules and terms of the agreement without checking with you first? When the client doubled the scope of the project without asking if that was doable first. He was focused only on getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. Once he extended the scope to something beyond what I was willing to commit to, I withdrew. Clue four.

Cut your losses. Studies show that the more we invest in a project or person, the more likely we are to keep investing in them rather than cut our losses and run. Determine ahead of time when you will pull the plug and “end it already.” For me it was a set amount of emails and time invested without a firm commitment. I am willing to be helpful, but beyond a certain point my help becomes billable. Without a commitment to a contract I cut my losses. Clue five

Define your deal breaker. Deal breakers are the things we’re not willing to compromise on when we buy something, agree to something or get involved in something. A deal breaker for many of us is abuse of any kind. Others will tolerate occasional verbal abuse, but not physical abuse. Any abuse is a deal breaker for me. That includes over the top comments, sneers and responses to a civil email. Clue six.

More than the peace of withdrawing a bid (the first time I’ve ever done that ever) was the relief I felt at realizing that I could end it already, and will do so again should the need arise. You don’t have to please everyone and just because you start down a dead-end road doesn’t mean you have to hit the cul-de-sac before you turn around. Learn to “end it already.” There’s a difference between changing your mind and giving up. You don’t win gold stars for finishing if all you succeed in doing is beating yourself up, violating your boundaries and feeling bad about finishing when you wanted to walk away. To every thing is a season, and when it’s time to end it, it’s time to end it. Walk away. There are some things that can’t be salvaged and some things that shouldn’t be salvaged. Either way, the solution is the same. Cut your losses and leave.

Spinning Plates

Often when people speak about the many competing demands on their time, they use the metaphor of juggling. For me, I prefer the image of the Chinese acrobat troupe spinning plates atop long poles. It always seems amazing that they are able to get one plate or bowl spinning, let alone seven or twelve. Watching these performers as they add more and more plates, I laugh to myself and reflect on my life. I love the challenge of adding a new plate while keeping the already spinning plates spinning. This usually remains possible. And when it isn’t possible, I have learned (and continue to learn) that it is okay to put down one plate before getting another one going. And sometimes it is even okay to put them all down for a while, walk off stage, and leave the theatre altogether for a while. There are other acrobats in the troupe, others who will keep the audience entertained while I do what I need to do to take care of myself.  During these past few months, this blog was a plate I decided to stop spinning while my gaze turned elsewhere. Today, I am happy to pick it up again and rejoin you in this dialogue.  How DO we care well for ourselves while focusing our efforts on taking good care of others? 

I am someone who keeps myself pretty busy.  Professionally, I like to do a lot of different things and therefore am usually involved in several different work projects simultaneously. I lead a supervision group for those seeking LPC Licensure. I facilitate a women’s personal growth group. Working with couples, I help them learn communication and conflict resolution skills, change non-productive ways of relating, and help them develop greater intimacy and compassion for one another. As an individual therapist, I help people heal unresolved traumas so that they can experience greater joy in their lives. I provide consultation to other therapists seeking certification in EMDR (a comprehensive, trauma-informed therapy model). I teach workshops on practice-building to other practitioners in healthcare and healing arts. I have my hands in many different activities simultaneously, and I love it.

Socially, I enjoy staying in touch and sharing time with many colleagues, friends, and family members. I have remained connected to friends since high school, college, and graduate school. I have friends who are artists and writers, friends who are in the helping professions like me, friends in corporate jobs, friends who are entrepreneurs, close girlfriends, couples friends with whom my husband and I enjoy socializing, and fellow travelers on a spiritual path.

In addition to time in connection with others, I also love seeing live music, attending interesting cultural events, reading, and pursuing a range of hobbies from painting to hiking to photography and whatever else strikes my fancy in the moment.

I cherish and celebrate the diversity in my life. It is difficult for me to imagine “streamlining” my life, or simplifying it, such that I would focus only on one aspect of my work or one type of leisure activity at a time. The way I live my life brings me tremendous reward and joy and really fuels my curiosity and thirst for variety. However, for people who are enthusiastic about life in the ways that I am (if you know the Enneagram, my “type” is “The Enthusiast”), we run the risk of burning the candle at both ends and, ultimately, burning ourselves out if we don’t learn to say “no” to some things, set limits, and prioritize balance and health.

This is an ever-present challenge for me. There is always something new and shiny on the horizon pulling me towards it, enticing me with promises of how fascinating or fun it will be.

I have learned, over time, that the two most important practices that support mindful discernment and balance in my life are sleep and meditation.  When I get at least seven and a half hours of sleep, I think more clearly. My choices are more likely to be in harmony with my long-term goals and my current-day well-being.  Meditation – and mindfulness practices in general – help me to slow down, and slowing down is absolutely essential for someone like me. When I slow down, I remember what is most important. I am able to filter through all the many choices that appeal to me in a given moment and see the big picture of my life.  I am able to pause before saying “yes” to the new gleaming possibility on the horizon and consider how saying “yes” would really impact my life in the short term and the long term.

Even with these practices in place, sometimes my life begins to feel like a locomotive going one hundred and twenty down the tracks with no station in sight. I have committed to too many things at once, and it requires more than sleep and daily quiet reflection to get myself back in balance.  I begin to feel depleted only half way through my day, and I lose the spark, the joy, for my work, my play, and my relationships.  At these times, a walk in nature provides the solace and connection I seek. Remembering the metaphor of the plate-spinning acrobat, I make a choice to walk off stage and devote an hour, a day, a weekend, or even longer to time with myself doing whatever most feeds me in the moment. This time in retreat offers the rest and replenishment I need to re-enter my life feeling replenished, curious, and juicy once again.

If you are a plate-spinning caregiver like me, what do you do that most sustains and nourishes you? How do you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground as you spin plates in your own life?

Gratitude for every little thing

I have been on quite a journey in these past several months, and I imagine you have been too. Life IS such a journey, such an adventure. While there have been many things that have struck me as fascinating, several moments of exquisite joy, and profound experiences of quiet reflection since I wrote last, I haven’t yet found a way to capture this leg of my journey in written words. I’ve jotted down a dozen different ideas for blog topics from the experiences of these past several months, and my hope is to begin writing them down, one by one, over the next few weeks. I look forward to sharing them with you.

Today, I was moved to write by my appreciation for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I love that we set aside an entire day to express gratitude. Gratitude has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now, as I made a decision in mid-August to begin posting a (nearly) daily expression of gratitude on my Facebook wall. A friend of mine had been doing this, and I just loved reading what she wrote. I decided to challenge myself to do the same, and I have really enjoyed it. Some days, I find that my gratitude is more related to work, and sometimes it is more personal. There are times that I have witnessed beautiful, awe-inspiring events, and there are challenging moments that help me appreciate better all the other moments I experience of genuine ease. Today, I was stuck behind a driver whose slow, traffic-light-stopping behavior created an initial reaction of judgment and annoyance. Stopped at the yellow light behind this person, I reflected back on all the times I made the light easily and all the commutes when I drove effortlessly to work and home again. By the time the light turned green, my energy had already completely changed for the positive, and I found myself smiling. From the simple practice of intentionally keeping my eyes open to all there is to appreciate, I have been experiencing a profound shift and lightening in my perspective.

I believe that every moment has the potential to engender gratitude. Regardless of whether I may wish to judge a single moment as “good” or “bad,” the accumulation of these single moments comprises the fabric of my life. So, what kind of tapestry am I weaving? I have the freedom to appreciate each moment. Or the freedom to lament about what that moment could have been but was not. For me, I choose to cultivate a spirit of gratitude – to celebrate the wonderful moments and to honor the gifts of those difficult times too.  I am grateful for my ability to make this choice and for the support I’ve received along the way that empowers me to do so.

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I express heartfelt love for the healers and teachers who have deeply enriched my life, whose nourishing spirits have empowered me to reach further and believe more, and whose compassion has sustained me in the darkest hours. I am also grateful for all the unintentional teachers I have known, those people and experiences who taught me lessons I had no desire to learn but that helped me grow in ways I couldn’t even imagine possible.

Finally, I wish to thank all of you who are following this blog. I appreciate your support along this journey and your encouragement to keep writing.  If you feel inspired to share your experiences, I’d love to hear about the role of gratitude in your own life. 

Wishing you peace, joy, inspiration, and resiliency on Thanksgiving!

Elizabeth